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Thursday, December 15, 2011

moving forward.

A lot has happened since I last blogged and I think I'm finally at a good point to get it all out there. After a very successful year at the Art Institute of Nashville I spend some time in Lawrenceburg, TN working at a state fair with an independent concession stand thanks to a good friend of mine. The money I earned there was the stepping stone of being able to take my travel to Arlington, VA where I planned on starting the new quarter at the Art Institute there. I spent a couple weeks getting to know the area and getting out applications for work and then took a trip again in October to Columbia, SC where I worked again with the same independent concession stand. The people I met both in Lawrenceburg and in Columbia will forever be in my heart. They are like family to each other and it didn't take long before I was welcomed into their circle. 







I met so many amazing people when I was in Tennessee and I will never forget any of them. We entertained ourselves with weekly kickball, cliff jumping and camping at the dam, tattoo parties, adopting animals (usually my fault … woops), partying like there was no tomorrow, midnight swimming, and enjoying every minute of it.










Being in Lawrenceburg especially made me reevaluate my life and what I want for my future. Family is such an instilled value of their lives along with hard work and a certain toughness that I hadn't experienced before. 

I was in Virginia until November 8th and ended up having to move back in with my mom and step dad and the girls. I was sitting in the room with everyone, making the last arrangements for my transfer when dad said it was too much and he was done helping with my loan. I tried negotiating a few different ideas with him but, in the end, it was time to just let it go. So I got a job in Morgantown and have been working on getting out of debt since I've been back. Hopefully everything will be completed in a couple months and I can revisit my journey in education. 

At first I wanted to look into schools that were close to home so that I could visit my family and friends whenever I wanted to. But after being back, I've come to realize with a heavy heart that there really isn't anything back here for me. I need to accept it and move on. I have a few really good friends who I know I can count on and who I want to be friends with for the rest of my life but most of the people I decided to surround myself with when I was in high school either were just the wrong people or have grown into people who I don't like or very much care for anymore. So much hate and vengeance and maliciousness that I don't want in my life if I'm going to continue moving forward. 

I'm starting over in a lot of different ways. Another way is that Julia and I broke up. My stomach feels sick when I think about it from time to time but it was the right thing to do. I've come to accept that we're not going to have what we used to have and she wasn't willing to work through what we still had so it was a lost cause. It was definitely time to say our goodbyes. 



So I've decided Canada, people. It's time for me to stop living for other people and finally live for myself. I'm going to take care of school on my own and start my life out in the world yet again. This is a start that I'm not used to though. One where I will have everything taken care of. One where I'm not leaving a mess in tow. One where I can truly refresh my mind and body and life in general. Cost of school in Canada is surprisingly less than it is in the states. What you pay for one year here, you easily pay for 3 years there. And, aren't I always saying travel is the best way to keep your mind fresh and vigor? 

Sunday, September 4, 2011

the rebel side I get from my dad


The things that you know about yourself are easy to admit. Well, the ones that don't make you look bad at least. It seems so hard to just admit your faults. Like it makes you less of a person. But in reality it makes you a better person to know your faults and be able to admit them. But you still think about the ridicule. Why are we so afraid of what people think?

I see things in the world around me and in people that others may miss. This can be a blessing and a curse. I rely on my inner thoughts and feelings in dealing with the world around me. I've always looked more towards my own ideas and experiences than what I was told by my religious upbringing or from scientific evidence. I'm not bound by common, but love to travel and have new experiences. I enjoy intelligence, but also enjoy a challenge. I can be pretty argumentative when I'm being forced or feel as if I am being forced to conform. The rebel side I get from my dad.

I'm energetic, lively, and optimistic. I want to contribute to the world. The best way to get along with me is to give me companionship, affection, and freedom. Good conversation with a hint of sarcasm from time to time. Get just as grossly happy over my visions as I do and listen to my stories. Don't try to change me; I'm way too stubborn for that. Accept me the way I am. Be responsible for yourself; I don't like clingy or needy. Above all, don't tell me what to do.

I love being optimistic and not letting life's troubles get me down. The crazy spontaneity that life has to offer makes me think that anything is possible. I even indulge in the fact that I'm outspoken and outrageous. It's all part of the fun. I also love having the guts to take risks and to try exciting adventures. Whether it be a good or bad experience, it's a lesson nonetheless. 

But I don't have enough time to do all the things I want. I often don't finish things I start. I don't profit from the benefits that come from specializing; it's hard for me to make a commitment to a career. I have a tendency to be ungrounded and can get lost in plans or fantasies. 

And for the grand finale, as a parent I will probably have a mix of traits. Want my kids to be exposed to many adventures in life but I may be too busy with my own activities to be attentive.

Looking back on that, I just described both of my parents. I'm ok with that because it just means that I can do things right that weren't done right in the past. I can make myself better than them. I can also do everything they did right. And my kids will one day be doing the same thing. I hope they succeed. I hope I succeed. I know that everyone has to have flaws to make them human but even if I could just minimize some of them. Defeat a good majority. I think my kids will turn out alright.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

ain't nothing in this world for free.

There are times were you're at the end of the day, sitting in a bath that took you an hour to just get set up, thinking about how you want to be reflective and write all these meaningful things about life but all you can think about is how you're a bad girlfriend and wondering how on earth the bath water is cold already. Probably because it wasn't warm to begin with and the fact that it's slowly draining doesn't help much. All you wanted was to relieve your cramps, reflect, listen to music, and maybe write a little bit. And now you're stuck. Despite all the things running through your mind, you know you can't say any of them.

How am I supposed to know if this is the right path? More water in the bath. Still cold. Just like your dad. Too big of a heart and a temper like a hurricane. Like your mom. Don't want a real job and so into the perfect family that you could be a 40's housewife. Nothing wrong with either of them. They're happy in life and make it work, one way or another.

An hour an a half later. Freezing, blank, and not tired in the least.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

just a word.

Letters. Words filling the pages. Rummaging through the past, reliving all the mistakes. Seeing all the things that I have changed. How far I've come from then. I'm learning. Slowly but surely. If I could find the courage, I'd probably say ...

I'm sorry you were a rebound.
I'm sorry I ended up falling for you and then missing her.
I'm sorry you embarrassed me.
I'm sorry you didn't give a shit.
I'm sorry I thought what happened to you was a good thing.
I'm sorry we lived so far away.
I'm sorry I responded to your texts when you had a girlfriend.
I'm sorry you fell before I did.
I'm sorry for talking about her.
I'm sorry you were too skinny for me.
I'm sorry I couldn't get it out of my mind what you did to me.
I'm sorry I got scared.
I'm sorry I was with her when I was dating you.
I'm sorry there were secrets.
I'm sorry I lied.
I'm sorry I still think about you.
I'm sorry things got to that point.
I'm sorry you had to witness that fight.
I'm sorry I didn't help more.
I'm sorry I used you to make her jealous.
I'm sorry you couldn't even hold my hand in public.
I'm sorry you were psycho.

But mostly ...
I'm sorry I broke your heart.
I'm glad you're happy now.
I'm glad we both moved on.

do you remember?

Time changes a person. Actions, interactions, and experiences are all on the path we are traveling down. I'm alone right now. A few people might try to tell you different. I stopped trying to correct. Listen and you might hear your name. A friend once told me that sound travels when you pay enough attention. It's true.

Your eyes witness a tear but I'm only trying to save you. My bottle holds a simple message. A friendly warning. Chase my heart down a dark hallway and you will lose yourself. Protect your own for now. Stop trying to figure me out. I'm working on that myself now. I don't need you to define me; even if you do need it. I won't ever need you or anyone to define myself. If you're still convinced, you might need to reevaluate yourself. Look over your life notes. Have you done this in the past? You seem accustomed.

I'm numb to my own pain. And yours. This isn't like me. I don't seem to really give two shits about her either. When did this mask take its place around my face? Your wounds will never be as deep as mine. I'm the one conflicted. I'm the one who will be sure to suffer.

Karma is a regretful bitch and I just stole her last cookie.

too cold outside

They yell at her, blame her for the lead. She's playing cards and forgets how to add. He holds the king, the card she needs to get her release number. Sift through the deck. Hundreds of cards are before her. She sifts frantically, stopping long enough to kiss the lips and remember that's not her card. So they blame her for tears and a faulty hand. Try harder this time but she just gets farther from the truth. Movies remind her what she needs to do. She probably won't win the game but a train and new city will give her the king back. She's hopeful. Romantic. Pictures it perfectly. Standing across the street so that he can't see her. The first time she mutters a mans' name, feels foreign in her mouth.

Dry throat, scared girl, no certainty. But she wants to dive. They all say it's too far, too high, she won't survive. Knees shaking, crumbling beneath her. She stands across from him with no strength. It will end in more tears and he'll probably steal the rest of the deck from her when she's looking. But she has to know, see him.

Her throat chokes as his picture comes to the surface. Hasn't seen him since nineteen. She doesn't want to go outside tonight.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

I thought I already said my goodbyes

But I still look at your facebook at least once a week. Even though all I can see is your profile picture. But I still think about how you're doing. But every day there are things that remind me of you. I can't listen to that song anymore. Makes me sick and sad to my stomach. Move on, get over it. How many times have I said that? How many times have you said that? How many times has everyone said that? Does it ever really happen? I wish it would happen fully. Completely and totally. I've tried and maybe this just makes me look like an asshole. The things we don't talk about, right? Just hold a smile. Just love again. It's not easy but it's possible. That's what gave me hope. That word. Possible. So I sucked it all back up, pulled in the reigns. They were wild, struggling hard, but I still managed them. I loved since you. I hurt since you. I lived since you. So why am I still thinking about you? I'm so lost right now. I pretend to have it all figured out, that I know what I'm doing.

I had hope for so long but that changed. Then I was introduced to acceptance. And that was enough for me. So why do I still wonder? Why do I feel like I'm walking aimlessly? I want to scream at the top of my lungs until it makes sense again. I want to cry until my eyes are so red that all I can do is sleep.

I have this plan in my mind. One of many that have passed through my mind over the years. But I'm getting better at being able to hold onto plans lately. You live once and I will regret it forever if I back out again.

I'm so scared.

Friday, July 8, 2011

not your average bookstore

I knew the topic right away but wanted to dive into my ever wonderful world of the internet answers to find some research behind me. Hey, it's a touchy subject. Girl wants to have her back covered. But, in doing so, I found that the word I'm looking for isn't polygamous. Dear everyone else who was unaware of this, this is the Ethical Slut. Think about it for a moment. Got it? Ok. Like I said, controversial. But hang in there with me. Come on a trip of discovery with me ...


Once so taboo now I'm not so sure. Then again, wasn't being gay considered taboo at one time ... not too far long ago? And even still is today to select people and groups. Minorities have been overpowering over the years. Yes, it's always going to be hard with certain people but in the end we're here and we're living better lives than our ancestors. Loving is coming into light. If I've learned anything in my little 21 years it's that love is fluid. There are no restrictions and there shouldn't be because it's the thing that makes life worth living. There is the love you have for your friends. For your family. Different from your mother to your aunt to your great grandfather on your dad's side. For your lover. Some love the same sex. The opposite. Both. One. Two. More. Men who were born women. Vice versa. Animals too. Carpet munching lions. Fudge packer giraffes.

What kind of people would revel in calling themselves sluts? And why would they insist on being recognized for their ethics? In most of the world, "slut" is a highly offensive term. But isn't it interesting that the analogous word "stud," used to describe a highly sexual man, is often a term of approval and envy? So women all over are reclaiming the word "slut" as a term of approval, even endearment. Sluts may choose to have solo sex or to get cozy with the Fifth Fleet. They may be heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual. Radical activists or peaceful suburbanites.

Ok, you're probably like "Shit, Shane, what are you talking about? What are you up to now?" Right? Yeah, I figured. Just for future reference, I want to have one lover to spend my life with and raise a family with. What I want right now isn't up for discussion. I'm still figuring it out.

Those who set off down the path of exploring new kinds of relationships and new lifestyles often find themselves blocked by beliefs - about the way society should be, the way relationships should be, the way people should be - that are both deeply rooted and unexamined. We have all been taught that one way of relating is the only right way; lifelong monogamous heterosexual marriage. We are told that all of that is "normal" and "natural"; if our desires don't fit into that constraint, we're obviously either morally deficient, psychologically disturbed, or (my personal favorite) "going against nature." What was it that my grandmother told me when I was about 12 years old? Oh yeah. "Chelsea, every girl can find a nice boy."Yeah, we all see how well that worked out.

"Beliefs about this traditional marriage date from agrarian cultures, where you made everything you ate or wore or used, where large extended families helped get this huge amount of work done so nobody starved, and where marriage was a working proposition. When we talk about "traditional family values," isn't this the family we should be talking about? An extended family of grandparents and aunts and cousins, an organization to accomplish the work of staying alive. Curiously, controlling sexual behavior didn't seem to be that important outside the propertied classes until the Industrial Revolution, which started a whole new era of sex-negativity. Maybe because of the rising middle class and the limited space for children in urban cities. Doctors and ministers in the late eighteenth century even began to claim that masturbation was unhealthy and and sinful. The most innocent of sexual outlets was dangerous to society." We even had manuals to show pregnant women how to keep their unborn children from touching their genitals in their sleep. Really?

"But human nature will win out. We are horny creatures, and the more sexually repressive a culture becomes, the more outrageous its covert sexual thoughts and behaviors will become, as any fan of Victorian porn can attest."

Test #1, Make a list of all the people you can find who are not monogamous or have trouble staying monogamous, including characters from TV, movies, books, and so on. How do you feel about each of them? What can you learn (positive or negative) from him or her?

Here are a couple a no joke, completely legit gimme's. Now find your own! David Letterman (you old dog!) Woody Allen. Liz Taylor. Brad Pitt (Like you didn't know! It was all over the media when Brad took up with Angelina on the set of Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Too bad Mrs. Pitt - also known as Jennifer Aniston, aka Rachel from friends - was also in the picture. Not for long though. Brad dumped Jen in 2005 and Brangelina was born. And none of the players have been out of the tabloids since.)

Voodoo! Taboo!

I'm too tired to write anymore so this is going to be a blog through the book titled "The Ethical Slut". You can find it in either your local bookstore (maybe ... if you live in california ... in san francisco. No, that wasn't a shot at your homo-tendencies, California. Wouldn't want you to get offended since you ran back in the closet on that bill. ANYWAY! Or you can find it on google. :)

Sunday, June 5, 2011

sometime is here

We've met, but you don't remember me.
I worked for a company you hired to have part of your memory erased.

In order to correct this, I'm sending everyone's fixile back to them.

My name is Clementine Kruczynski.
I'm here to erase Joel Barish.
He's boring. Is that enough reason to erase someone?

I've been thinking lately how I was before and how I am now,
and it's like he changed me.

I feel like I'm always pissy now. I don't like myself when I'm with him. 
I don't like myself anymore.

I can't stand to even look at him. 
That pathetic, wimpy, apologetic smile.
That sort of wounded puppy shit he does, you know? 

What are you doing?

I'm not doing anything! 
The bloom is certainly fucking off the rose at this point.
------------------------------




Joel Barish.

Hey, Clementine. Hey.
Really very educated.
I mean, she's smart, I think, 
but not educated.

I couldn't really talk to her about books, you know?
She's more of a magazine-reading girl.
Her vocabulary leaves something to be desired.

Sometimes ... I was embarrassed in public ...

Because she would pronounce...
library "libary."


I think if there's a truly seductive quality about Clementine,
it's that her personality promises to take you out of the mundane.
Amazing, burning meteorite...
will carry you to another world where things are exciting.

But what you quickly learn is that...
it's really an elaborate ruse.


So flashy in a kind of obvious way.
But still, 
it seduces you. 
Where's the real Clementine?
I mean, the whole thing with the hair ... it's all bullshit.
The world's a goddamn mess.
Is it some kind of a revolt? Change your hair color. 
No, I don't think her sex is ... motivated.


I saw it clearly the last night we were together.
It wasn't sex. It was just sad.


I thought there was more.
The only way Clem thinks she can get people to like her ...
is to fuck 'em ...

or at least dangle the possibility of getting fucked in front of'em.


And she's so desperate and insecure...
that she'll, sooner or later, go around fucking everybody.

I thought I knew her so well.
What a loss to spend that much time with someone,
only to find out that she's a stranger.
------------------------------



Wait.
What? 

I don't know.
Just wait. Just wait. 
What do you want, Joel?


I don't know. I want you to wait for ... just a while.


Okay. 

Really?

I'm not a concept, Joel. 
I'm just a fucked-up girl who's looking for my own peace of mind.
I'm not perfect. 

I can't see anything that I don't like about you.
Right now you can't. 
But you will. But you will.

You know, you will think of things, 
and I'll get bored with you and feel trapped...


because that's what happens with me.


Okay.


Okay.


Okay. 
-






Look around you
Change your heart
It will astound you

Now, I need your lovin'
Like the sunshine

Everybody's gotta learn sometime.

Monday, March 28, 2011

one last thing.

The project will be your words over someone else's picture to keep privacy but to also show that we are one in the same.

No matter your class, gender, race, sexual orientation, religious beliefs, etc (I could go on) ...

we all feel.

For everyone who shared something, can you comment below with your name and permission to use your profile picture in the project?

Thanks for helping!! I'll send a copy to everyone who posts.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

one thing.

All I'm asking you to do is finish this sentence as a comment on here anonymously.

It can be a sentence or it can be a paragraph. It's up to you.

All you have to do is be completely honest. Hence why people are staying anonymous.

Write what's real ... to you.



"If you really knew me, you'd know that ... "

Monday, March 21, 2011

when it was real.

Little lies. White tales of the past. A whole past that at this point can't be rewritten. No one would believe me anyway. Even if they did, they wouldn't understand my reasons. Hell, I don't even understand. So young. So lost. So naive. So I keep it to myself and giggle a little. More innocent. More fragile. Than anyone would ever imagine. Icing on my cake, just grab me another beer. I'll drink it all myself tonight. I don't need your help. I never did. No one would believe me anyway.

She was my teacher. Motioning with her finger to come learn. My heart was beating fast and my hands were shaking. I tried to keep my cool but damn it if I didn't break every piece of that glass heart. The first reality of my life. The first gift of myself I gave away. Too young to deal with her problems. It always seems I find them at the worst times. At sixteen you're not equipped to help someone stay on their path. Running away lead to the daze of long drunken nights. Nights she wouldn't let me touch her. Nights she would leave me out of the room. I was too young to care or see the signs. Next time I'll learn my lesson. Next time it will be real.

I was honest with my mistake. A day late, an hour short. She never showed. I just wanted to tell her. To her face. I just wanted to cry. To her face. I wanted her to know. To her face. She gave me her hand and walked away. I don't blame her. But I loved this person. Quiet and sweet. Something like the feet of a deer. Lightly touching the ground but alert at the same time. She was warned  from the beginning but allowed her mind to open. I was happy. I was in love. Our time took ages off of my youth. I learned more through her eyes than I ever did with the motion of that finger. But time for us was sweet and kind and also dirty and painful. Bleeding and broken, we both moved on. Then I realized not only had I lied to her and everyone else, I had fooled myself as well. It was too late. I just like fucking you wasn't the last words I had hoped to hear as our time faded into the background.

I think at the beginning it was for your looks. Had them on my fish hook. And then it was your smile. And then your heart. I never expected you. I think that's why it was so easy to love you. But when one person wants a relationship and the other wants a fuck buddy with a label, your views tend to conflict. I would still be interested to see what would have happened if I wasn't already too tired to care. I sat outside your house and talked with you as you left me. You gave me a paragraph while I had given you a piece of my heart. I refused to let it happen in front of you. Composure. It's the only saving grace I have anymore. I made it around the corner before I couldn't drive anymore. I just sat there. While you were already back inside, playing footsie under the covers with someone new.

I could have stayed with you. I could have been happy with you. You should have grown up faster. Or maybe not. Maybe this is how it's supposed to happen. You gave me time to figure myself out. You gave me time to see other people. To slip into sheets and lay bare the next day, not remembering why I even tried in the first place. To forget you. To let you go. To accept what was happening. What has been happening. What has already happened. We'll meet again. This time I'll be less broken. This time I'll be braver. This time I'll leave my jealous heart at the door and only bite the girls who you let in. A lot of them try. Still. It hurts. Did you know that? Did you know the way you say her name sends me into a sick panic? Did you know I'm fucked up? Did you know I blame you a little bit? Did you know I still love you? Did you know it's still so real for me?

I was your first love and I got caught up in that. I loved being on your pedestal. For the first time, I didn't feel so broken. I didn't feel so flawed. I thought someone could actually look at me and see a good person. See a good lover. See someone worth a heart again. I was wrong.

You're a fool. I loved you. It was real. She kept coming back though. Stepped in the way. Ruined your dreams. Crashed your hopes. Hopes of making me better. Fixing what was wrong with me. It worked too. Too well. I even fooled myself. I'm not an angel. I'm not worth the world or your life or your heart. I'm worth what I give. So if I give you a strand, you better give me back half. I have to fight for it. Otherwise it's not worth it anymore. I have to get that rejection. I have to feel the loss to feel the love. I'm a god damn beautiful contradiction. You want my heart? Make me work for it. Make me work for you. Give it to me on a silver platter and I already know it doesn't work that way. I won't fall for it. Give it to me on a silver platter and what's the fun in that? You can't fool me anymore. And I'm tired. And lonely. And on overload of heart ache.

When it was real, it was great.
But somewhere along the line, I realized that I'm not your housewife to make.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

pass the message

Are you sick of highly paid teachers?

Teachers' hefty salaries are driving up taxes, and they only work 9 or10 months a year! It's time we put things in perspective and pay them for what they do - babysit!

We can get that for less than minimum wage.

That's right. Let's give them $3.00 an hour and only the hours they worked; not any of that silly planning time, or any time they spend before or after school. That would be $19.50 a day (7:45 to 3:00 PM with 45 min. off for lunch and plan-- that equals 6 1/2 hours).

Each parent should pay $19.50 a day for these teachers to baby-sit their children. Now how many students do they teach in a day ... maybe 30? So that's $19.50 x 30 = $585.00 a day.

However, remember they only work 180 days a year!!! I am not going to pay them for any vacations.

LET'S SEE....

That's $585 X 180= $105,300 per year.
(Hold on! My calculator needs new batteries).

What about those special education teachers and the ones with Master's degrees? Well, we could pay them minimum wage ($7.75), and just to be fair, round it off to $8.00 an hour.

That would be $8 X 6 1/2 hours X 30 children X 180 days = $280,800 per year.

Wait a minute -- there's something wrong here! There sure is!

The average teacher's salary (nation wide) is $50,000.

$50,000/180 days = $277.77/per day/30 students = $9.25/6.5 hours = $1.42 per hour per student -- a very inexpensive baby-sitter and they even EDUCATE your kids! WHAT A DEAL!!!!

Make a teacher smile; repost this to show appreciation for all educators.

Friday, February 18, 2011

rumor has it.

Do you remember the pain Poe held in his poetry? It's not his time anymore. 

You have pain? You're not given a day where you can just break down. All day. Just let it all out. Pain is the one thing in life you really have to learn to suppress. You feel too much of it, they pump you with medication. Don't get me wrong, I love my life. I'm happy. For the first time in a really long time everything is working out for me, everything is falling into place like it needs to. I'm growing. I'm changing. But I still have those days where I don't want to get out of bed.

Especially a certain day pretty recently. I know and understand that you can't do that. Not anymore. Now you have school and work and grocery shopping and cleaning and projects ... nothing can get in your way. Not even pain. Not even a deserved day of tear and pillow bonding.

And even when those nights hit, the last thing I want to do is talk about it. I'd have to have a hermit day to be able to celebrate my Pain Appreciation Day. We'll call it PAD.


... That sounds kind of gross. How about P.A.D ... with the separation. Not "pad" but "p-a-d". Yeah, that sounds better.

When you have pain, you should want to talk about it. And I do. I just don't want the responses. I don't want the "I completely understand," "it'll get better," I don't even want the silence. I want the talking without the second person. I feel awkward even writing it out. I'm almost ashamed to feel pain. I think it's because I've seen ten times worse.

I've been around the block. I know what face down in the dirt looks like. I'm on a mountain right now. I have no room for complaint. I have no reason for tears. And what I'm upset over was probably for the better anyway. It shaped lives. It did so much. Especially for me. Yet I can't stop my mind when she's in it. Which is a lot of the time. I've learned that I'm pretty good at wearing a mask though. Just because my face holds a smile without a quiver, doesn't mean my mind isn't wandering to her memory.

Although, there are days where I wish I could just scream. I'd probably scream at you. You won't know I'm talking about you because you probably won't even read this. I would have screamed. I wanted to scream.

I should have screamed.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

because i said so.

So I just I literally typed out a status that said, "Blegh. Thinking. Anyone want to figure all this out for me?" and just ended up deleting it. I wanted to write but didn't really want to talk to anyone. And you can't always do that on facebook. Have you ever just wanted to say something or write something just to have it there? Not for comment purpose. Not for responses. But for thought. For contemplation. Something that doesn't need comments to make it prominent in the news feed.


I'm confused but I'm certain. I'm broke but I'm happy. I'm scared but I'm excited. I'm young and underpaid. I'm tired but won't stop working. I'm here but I'm actually everywhere else. What it's all coming down to is that I don't have it all figured out yet. But I think I'm okay with that. I'm sad but I'm laughing. I'm brave but I'm chicken shit. No one knows this yet. I guess they will now. I have six voices talking to me and the only one I can't zone in on is my own. Am I making a mistake or could this be the best thing I've ever done? Are my reasons as logical as I think they are? Or am I still a pubescent teenage boy in heart? 


I'm doing so much better than I ever have before and I love it. So why is my head spinning more than it ever has? Because I know she won't take my mind seriously. Because I know that I will end up the asshole. Because I'm too used to it. Because she will cry. Because I will cry. Because I'm scared. Because I'm unsure but certain. Because I could lose her. Because.
I will never forget the end. Beating my head against the wall. Looking at her and finding myself searching her face for a single recognized feature. We were lost in the daze of ... well ... us. We were lost in the fights, in the fear, in the love we didn't understand. My words won't come out right. But I'll try to explain it anyway. I loved her and then we crossed a line. A very easy line to cross; the line between love and hate. Is it so bad to not want that this time? Is it so bad to be cautious? Is it so bad to say no right now and yes later, when it's more suitable? Is it so bad?


Yes.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

forget to remember

I hope you hear me. Give me back her hands. Give me back her touch. I don't ask for much. I think everything is going great. Give it a moment. I'll fuck it up again. My issue is I never know what I do that's so wrong. I don't want you to forget about the house, or forget about the ring. I remember everything. Every day. Give me back my girl and you give me back my life.

This is just a nightmare so I blink twice. I pinch myself so that I wake. I'm sweating beneath these covers. I open up my eyes, hoping she'll be in my sight. Reminders all over my walls, in my ears. Everyone asks about you. My mom and my friends. Sometimes even my dad. Remember what he said?

I hope I never see the day where you're wishing you never met me because I'm sitting here, begging that you never forget me.

I'm sick just writing this, hands inside of me, ripping at my stomach. Prying at the walls. Bleeding me out. I have no will to move, no motivation to get out of bed.

I hope she remembers soon before she forgets it all.