because i said so.

So I just I literally typed out a status that said, "Blegh. Thinking. Anyone want to figure all this out for me?" and just ended up deleting it. I wanted to write but didn't really want to talk to anyone. And you can't always do that on facebook. Have you ever just wanted to say something or write something just to have it there? Not for comment purpose. Not for responses. But for thought. For contemplation. Something that doesn't need comments to make it prominent in the news feed.

I'm confused but I'm certain. I'm broke but I'm happy. I'm scared but I'm excited. I'm young and underpaid. I'm tired but won't stop working. I'm here but I'm actually everywhere else. What it's all coming down to is that I don't have it all figured out yet. But I think I'm okay with that. I'm sad but I'm laughing. I'm brave but I'm chicken shit. No one knows this yet. I guess they will now. I have six voices talking to me and the only one I can't zone in on is my own. Am I making a mistake or could this be the best thing I've ever done? Are my reasons as logical as I think they are? Or am I still a pubescent teenage boy in heart? 

I'm doing so much better than I ever have before and I love it. So why is my head spinning more than it ever has? Because I know she won't take my mind seriously. Because I know that I will end up the asshole. Because I'm too used to it. Because she will cry. Because I will cry. Because I'm scared. Because I'm unsure but certain. Because I could lose her. Because.

I will never forget the end. Beating my head against the wall. Looking at her and finding myself searching her face for a single recognized feature. We were lost in the daze of ... well ... us. We were lost in the fights, in the fear, in the love we didn't understand. My words won't come out right. But I'll try to explain it anyway. I loved her and then we crossed a line. A very easy line to cross; the line between love and hate. Is it so bad to not want that this time? Is it so bad to be cautious? Is it so bad to say no right now and yes later, when it's more suitable? Is it so bad?

Yes.