rumor has it.

Do you remember the pain Poe held in his poetry? It's not his time anymore. 

You have pain? You're not given a day where you can just break down. All day. Just let it all out. Pain is the one thing in life you really have to learn to suppress. You feel too much of it, they pump you with medication. Don't get me wrong, I love my life. I'm happy. For the first time in a really long time everything is working out for me, everything is falling into place like it needs to. I'm growing. I'm changing. But I still have those days where I don't want to get out of bed.

Especially a certain day pretty recently. I know and understand that you can't do that. Not anymore. Now you have school and work and grocery shopping and cleaning and projects ... nothing can get in your way. Not even pain. Not even a deserved day of tear and pillow bonding.

And even when those nights hit, the last thing I want to do is talk about it. I'd have to have a hermit day to be able to celebrate my Pain Appreciation Day. We'll call it PAD.


... That sounds kind of gross. How about P.A.D ... with the separation. Not "pad" but "p-a-d". Yeah, that sounds better.

When you have pain, you should want to talk about it. And I do. I just don't want the responses. I don't want the "I completely understand," "it'll get better," I don't even want the silence. I want the talking without the second person. I feel awkward even writing it out. I'm almost ashamed to feel pain. I think it's because I've seen ten times worse.

I've been around the block. I know what face down in the dirt looks like. I'm on a mountain right now. I have no room for complaint. I have no reason for tears. And what I'm upset over was probably for the better anyway. It shaped lives. It did so much. Especially for me. Yet I can't stop my mind when she's in it. Which is a lot of the time. I've learned that I'm pretty good at wearing a mask though. Just because my face holds a smile without a quiver, doesn't mean my mind isn't wandering to her memory.

Although, there are days where I wish I could just scream. I'd probably scream at you. You won't know I'm talking about you because you probably won't even read this. I would have screamed. I wanted to scream.

I should have screamed.