But I still look at your facebook at least once a week. Even though all I can see is your profile picture. But I still think about how you're doing. But every day there are things that remind me of you. I can't listen to that song anymore. Makes me sick and sad to my stomach. Move on, get over it. How many times have I said that? How many times have you said that? How many times has everyone said that? Does it ever really happen? I wish it would happen fully. Completely and totally. I've tried and maybe this just makes me look like an asshole. The things we don't talk about, right? Just hold a smile. Just love again. It's not easy but it's possible. That's what gave me hope. That word. Possible. So I sucked it all back up, pulled in the reigns. They were wild, struggling hard, but I still managed them. I loved since you. I hurt since you. I lived since you. So why am I still thinking about you? I'm so lost right now. I pretend to have it all figured out, that I know what I'm doing.
I had hope for so long but that changed. Then I was introduced to acceptance. And that was enough for me. So why do I still wonder? Why do I feel like I'm walking aimlessly? I want to scream at the top of my lungs until it makes sense again. I want to cry until my eyes are so red that all I can do is sleep.
I have this plan in my mind. One of many that have passed through my mind over the years. But I'm getting better at being able to hold onto plans lately. You live once and I will regret it forever if I back out again.
I'm so scared.
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