dear daddy

I've realized lately that I worry a lot about what people think. Feel like people are judging me and my every move. I hate that feeling. I hate caring what other people think and am trying to change that but it's something I've always had. And it's always been our biggest problem.

You care a lot and want the best for me and I appreciate that. But your eye always seems so close. Don't do this or he'll freak out. Do this that way or you're going to get yelled at.

I get nervous to even see you but I always still have this deep clinging hope and excitement. I was so anxious when you last came to see me. Pacing the living room, watching out the window, mom watching me out of the corner of her eye. And then when you pulled in, I smiled. Couldn't help but feel it instantly across my face.

But not 5 minutes into the drive you're already ragging on me, cutting me down. I hate when you make me feel like that. When I feel like you're judging me my whole world is shaking. You called me a circus freak. Do you remember that? And then we drove. Not saying a single word to each other. I had no idea where we were going. We drove around for 45 minutes before you said another word to me. I just sat there repeating it. "Circus freak. Won't get a job."

And then what you did at OVI, my work. You walked out on your daughter before the food even got to the table and left a $20 there like you were just saying "fuck it". You walked out on me. You didn't even tell me you were leaving. I had to ask Angie where you had gone. I couldn't stop crying when I went back inside. Breathing hard, sobbing, trying to talk to mom on the phone. "Maybe this was a mistake." That stuck with me too.

When you call, I come running. I don't know if I'm ready to do that again yet. Thank you for helping me with my insurance. I wasn't going to ask because usually when you give me something or do something, there are usually strings attached. "If I do this, you have to do it my way." At least that's what it feels like. Which is why I was just paying for it myself. Which, in a round about way, was still trying to impress you. Look, I'm paying my bills. I'm taking care of myself. I'm doing this for me though.

I'm sorry. I'm just not ready.

I love you,
Chelsea