Letters. Words filling the pages. Rummaging through the past, reliving all the mistakes. Seeing all the things that I have changed. How far I've come from then. I'm learning. Slowly but surely. If I could find the courage, I'd probably say ...
I'm sorry you were a rebound.
I'm sorry I ended up falling for you and then missing her.
I'm sorry you embarrassed me.
I'm sorry you didn't give a shit.
I'm sorry I thought what happened to you was a good thing.
I'm sorry we lived so far away.
I'm sorry I responded to your texts when you had a girlfriend.
I'm sorry you fell before I did.
I'm sorry for talking about her.
I'm sorry you were too skinny for me.
I'm sorry I couldn't get it out of my mind what you did to me.
I'm sorry I got scared.
I'm sorry I was with her when I was dating you.
I'm sorry there were secrets.
I'm sorry I lied.
I'm sorry I still think about you.
I'm sorry things got to that point.
I'm sorry you had to witness that fight.
I'm sorry I didn't help more.
I'm sorry I used you to make her jealous.
I'm sorry you couldn't even hold my hand in public.
I'm sorry you were psycho.
But mostly ...
I'm sorry I broke your heart.
I'm glad you're happy now.
I'm glad we both moved on.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
do you remember?
Time changes a person. Actions, interactions, and experiences are all on the path we are traveling down. I'm alone right now. A few people might try to tell you different. I stopped trying to correct. Listen and you might hear your name. A friend once told me that sound travels when you pay enough attention. It's true.
Your eyes witness a tear but I'm only trying to save you. My bottle holds a simple message. A friendly warning. Chase my heart down a dark hallway and you will lose yourself. Protect your own for now. Stop trying to figure me out. I'm working on that myself now. I don't need you to define me; even if you do need it. I won't ever need you or anyone to define myself. If you're still convinced, you might need to reevaluate yourself. Look over your life notes. Have you done this in the past? You seem accustomed.
I'm numb to my own pain. And yours. This isn't like me. I don't seem to really give two shits about her either. When did this mask take its place around my face? Your wounds will never be as deep as mine. I'm the one conflicted. I'm the one who will be sure to suffer.
Karma is a regretful bitch and I just stole her last cookie.
Your eyes witness a tear but I'm only trying to save you. My bottle holds a simple message. A friendly warning. Chase my heart down a dark hallway and you will lose yourself. Protect your own for now. Stop trying to figure me out. I'm working on that myself now. I don't need you to define me; even if you do need it. I won't ever need you or anyone to define myself. If you're still convinced, you might need to reevaluate yourself. Look over your life notes. Have you done this in the past? You seem accustomed.
I'm numb to my own pain. And yours. This isn't like me. I don't seem to really give two shits about her either. When did this mask take its place around my face? Your wounds will never be as deep as mine. I'm the one conflicted. I'm the one who will be sure to suffer.
Karma is a regretful bitch and I just stole her last cookie.
too cold outside
They yell at her, blame her for the lead. She's playing cards and forgets how to add. He holds the king, the card she needs to get her release number. Sift through the deck. Hundreds of cards are before her. She sifts frantically, stopping long enough to kiss the lips and remember that's not her card. So they blame her for tears and a faulty hand. Try harder this time but she just gets farther from the truth. Movies remind her what she needs to do. She probably won't win the game but a train and new city will give her the king back. She's hopeful. Romantic. Pictures it perfectly. Standing across the street so that he can't see her. The first time she mutters a mans' name, feels foreign in her mouth.
Dry throat, scared girl, no certainty. But she wants to dive. They all say it's too far, too high, she won't survive. Knees shaking, crumbling beneath her. She stands across from him with no strength. It will end in more tears and he'll probably steal the rest of the deck from her when she's looking. But she has to know, see him.
Her throat chokes as his picture comes to the surface. Hasn't seen him since nineteen. She doesn't want to go outside tonight.
Dry throat, scared girl, no certainty. But she wants to dive. They all say it's too far, too high, she won't survive. Knees shaking, crumbling beneath her. She stands across from him with no strength. It will end in more tears and he'll probably steal the rest of the deck from her when she's looking. But she has to know, see him.
Her throat chokes as his picture comes to the surface. Hasn't seen him since nineteen. She doesn't want to go outside tonight.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
I thought I already said my goodbyes
But I still look at your facebook at least once a week. Even though all I can see is your profile picture. But I still think about how you're doing. But every day there are things that remind me of you. I can't listen to that song anymore. Makes me sick and sad to my stomach. Move on, get over it. How many times have I said that? How many times have you said that? How many times has everyone said that? Does it ever really happen? I wish it would happen fully. Completely and totally. I've tried and maybe this just makes me look like an asshole. The things we don't talk about, right? Just hold a smile. Just love again. It's not easy but it's possible. That's what gave me hope. That word. Possible. So I sucked it all back up, pulled in the reigns. They were wild, struggling hard, but I still managed them. I loved since you. I hurt since you. I lived since you. So why am I still thinking about you? I'm so lost right now. I pretend to have it all figured out, that I know what I'm doing.
I had hope for so long but that changed. Then I was introduced to acceptance. And that was enough for me. So why do I still wonder? Why do I feel like I'm walking aimlessly? I want to scream at the top of my lungs until it makes sense again. I want to cry until my eyes are so red that all I can do is sleep.
I have this plan in my mind. One of many that have passed through my mind over the years. But I'm getting better at being able to hold onto plans lately. You live once and I will regret it forever if I back out again.
I'm so scared.
I had hope for so long but that changed. Then I was introduced to acceptance. And that was enough for me. So why do I still wonder? Why do I feel like I'm walking aimlessly? I want to scream at the top of my lungs until it makes sense again. I want to cry until my eyes are so red that all I can do is sleep.
I have this plan in my mind. One of many that have passed through my mind over the years. But I'm getting better at being able to hold onto plans lately. You live once and I will regret it forever if I back out again.
I'm so scared.
Friday, July 8, 2011
not your average bookstore
I knew the topic right away but wanted to dive into my ever wonderful world of the internet answers to find some research behind me. Hey, it's a touchy subject. Girl wants to have her back covered. But, in doing so, I found that the word I'm looking for isn't polygamous. Dear everyone else who was unaware of this, this is the Ethical Slut. Think about it for a moment. Got it? Ok. Like I said, controversial. But hang in there with me. Come on a trip of discovery with me ...
Once so taboo now I'm not so sure. Then again, wasn't being gay considered taboo at one time ... not too far long ago? And even still is today to select people and groups. Minorities have been overpowering over the years. Yes, it's always going to be hard with certain people but in the end we're here and we're living better lives than our ancestors. Loving is coming into light. If I've learned anything in my little 21 years it's that love is fluid. There are no restrictions and there shouldn't be because it's the thing that makes life worth living. There is the love you have for your friends. For your family. Different from your mother to your aunt to your great grandfather on your dad's side. For your lover. Some love the same sex. The opposite. Both. One. Two. More. Men who were born women. Vice versa. Animals too. Carpet munching lions. Fudge packer giraffes.
What kind of people would revel in calling themselves sluts? And why would they insist on being recognized for their ethics? In most of the world, "slut" is a highly offensive term. But isn't it interesting that the analogous word "stud," used to describe a highly sexual man, is often a term of approval and envy? So women all over are reclaiming the word "slut" as a term of approval, even endearment. Sluts may choose to have solo sex or to get cozy with the Fifth Fleet. They may be heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual. Radical activists or peaceful suburbanites.
Ok, you're probably like "Shit, Shane, what are you talking about? What are you up to now?" Right? Yeah, I figured. Just for future reference, I want to have one lover to spend my life with and raise a family with. What I want right now isn't up for discussion. I'm still figuring it out.
Those who set off down the path of exploring new kinds of relationships and new lifestyles often find themselves blocked by beliefs - about the way society should be, the way relationships should be, the way people should be - that are both deeply rooted and unexamined. We have all been taught that one way of relating is the only right way; lifelong monogamous heterosexual marriage. We are told that all of that is "normal" and "natural"; if our desires don't fit into that constraint, we're obviously either morally deficient, psychologically disturbed, or (my personal favorite) "going against nature." What was it that my grandmother told me when I was about 12 years old? Oh yeah. "Chelsea, every girl can find a nice boy."Yeah, we all see how well that worked out.
"Beliefs about this traditional marriage date from agrarian cultures, where you made everything you ate or wore or used, where large extended families helped get this huge amount of work done so nobody starved, and where marriage was a working proposition. When we talk about "traditional family values," isn't this the family we should be talking about? An extended family of grandparents and aunts and cousins, an organization to accomplish the work of staying alive. Curiously, controlling sexual behavior didn't seem to be that important outside the propertied classes until the Industrial Revolution, which started a whole new era of sex-negativity. Maybe because of the rising middle class and the limited space for children in urban cities. Doctors and ministers in the late eighteenth century even began to claim that masturbation was unhealthy and and sinful. The most innocent of sexual outlets was dangerous to society." We even had manuals to show pregnant women how to keep their unborn children from touching their genitals in their sleep. Really?
"But human nature will win out. We are horny creatures, and the more sexually repressive a culture becomes, the more outrageous its covert sexual thoughts and behaviors will become, as any fan of Victorian porn can attest."
What kind of people would revel in calling themselves sluts? And why would they insist on being recognized for their ethics? In most of the world, "slut" is a highly offensive term. But isn't it interesting that the analogous word "stud," used to describe a highly sexual man, is often a term of approval and envy? So women all over are reclaiming the word "slut" as a term of approval, even endearment. Sluts may choose to have solo sex or to get cozy with the Fifth Fleet. They may be heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual. Radical activists or peaceful suburbanites.
Ok, you're probably like "Shit, Shane, what are you talking about? What are you up to now?" Right? Yeah, I figured. Just for future reference, I want to have one lover to spend my life with and raise a family with. What I want right now isn't up for discussion. I'm still figuring it out.
Those who set off down the path of exploring new kinds of relationships and new lifestyles often find themselves blocked by beliefs - about the way society should be, the way relationships should be, the way people should be - that are both deeply rooted and unexamined. We have all been taught that one way of relating is the only right way; lifelong monogamous heterosexual marriage. We are told that all of that is "normal" and "natural"; if our desires don't fit into that constraint, we're obviously either morally deficient, psychologically disturbed, or (my personal favorite) "going against nature." What was it that my grandmother told me when I was about 12 years old? Oh yeah. "Chelsea, every girl can find a nice boy."Yeah, we all see how well that worked out.
"Beliefs about this traditional marriage date from agrarian cultures, where you made everything you ate or wore or used, where large extended families helped get this huge amount of work done so nobody starved, and where marriage was a working proposition. When we talk about "traditional family values," isn't this the family we should be talking about? An extended family of grandparents and aunts and cousins, an organization to accomplish the work of staying alive. Curiously, controlling sexual behavior didn't seem to be that important outside the propertied classes until the Industrial Revolution, which started a whole new era of sex-negativity. Maybe because of the rising middle class and the limited space for children in urban cities. Doctors and ministers in the late eighteenth century even began to claim that masturbation was unhealthy and and sinful. The most innocent of sexual outlets was dangerous to society." We even had manuals to show pregnant women how to keep their unborn children from touching their genitals in their sleep. Really?
"But human nature will win out. We are horny creatures, and the more sexually repressive a culture becomes, the more outrageous its covert sexual thoughts and behaviors will become, as any fan of Victorian porn can attest."
Test #1, Make a list of all the people you can find who are not monogamous or have trouble staying monogamous, including characters from TV, movies, books, and so on. How do you feel about each of them? What can you learn (positive or negative) from him or her?
Here are a couple a no joke, completely legit gimme's. Now find your own! David Letterman (you old dog!) Woody Allen. Liz Taylor. Brad Pitt (Like you didn't know! It was all over the media when Brad took up with Angelina on the set of Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Too bad Mrs. Pitt - also known as Jennifer Aniston, aka Rachel from friends - was also in the picture. Not for long though. Brad dumped Jen in 2005 and Brangelina was born. And none of the players have been out of the tabloids since.)
Voodoo! Taboo!
I'm too tired to write anymore so this is going to be a blog through the book titled "The Ethical Slut". You can find it in either your local bookstore (maybe ... if you live in california ... in san francisco. No, that wasn't a shot at your homo-tendencies, California. Wouldn't want you to get offended since you ran back in the closet on that bill. ANYWAY! Or you can find it on google. :)
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