the cycle.

Have you ever been so afraid of something that you're so passionate about? Something you long for, hope for, and need yet it's scares you so much you don't want to do it. Every sense in my body tingles when I think about it. My chest tightens and I get a longing like I've never experienced before. It's the one thing I want to do before I die but there are so many things telling me no. Telling me don't do this. Change history. Don't let the cycle continue. And do it because you love this longing so deeply. You tell yourself it's the right thing to do, let it go. You know what comes out of it, you already know what will probably happen so shouldn't you do the right thing? Is it the right thing? Are you just crazy? Can you change the cycle by going through with it and hoping that you're different? Are you up for that kind of challenge? And THEN you think to yourself, if you want it soooo badly, why can't you change history? All on your own.

What about when you surprise yourself? You've always been this way, haven't you? You know how to hurt and be hurt. You know what's wrong and what's right and you blur the lines in your head. Because you're just like him. Trial and error. More errors than expected. The data gets too numerous to work with. You start forgetting dates and moments and little things that should be easy. Yet you still forget the big stuff too? The important stuff holding your plan together. All of those years. All of those mistakes. How do you stop a cycle like that? Something that seemed to be apart of you. Then you finally break free. What, are you a bird trapped in a cage? No. You could have done this all along. You just didn't try hard enough. Or maybe it's the girl. Maybe it's the past relationships. Back to trial and error again. But no matter how you paint the picture, you still deflected it when it was presented to you. You turned away and said no. And you did it with no effort. You just changed your history in one single defining moment. And that's when you realize it too. Not later, thinking back on it. Right then and there. So maybe it takes the right experience or the right girl.