it's not your choice this time.

I feel your pulse upon my finger, string your arms around my neck. Make me wish I could take back every word I said. Every promise you ever made. Every lie I ever bought. My eyes are welling as you squeeze, there's a shortness in my breath. Don't stop now, you've already started this war so why not finish it? Erase my thoughts, erase the child within me. Why I ever thought things would be different, I am begging myself for an answer. But no words come out, no voices on display. Break the silence with a cough, a gasp and lay me down in the sand. Treat me like I never was and walk your separate way.

My side began to swell and the tears that never came broke my heart. I couldn't even cry for this man anymore. Not a single tear lifted off of my face while I stood before him.

 

You don't scare me anymore.
I stood firm and spoke clearly for the first time.

 But that never stopped you. I didn't think it would. You can scream at me, curse at me, even sit down and have a fucking civilized conversation with me but I will not let your hands come down on me anymore. One touch is all it takes. Give me five more, though. It's not enough for you. You had me at hello and you lost me at goodbye. The anger I feel could be replaced with every drop of water on this earth. You did more than leave a mark, you did more than give me a scratch.

Behind closed doors and hot bike rides, my tears come easier than they ever have before. My thoughts take over my actions and I scared myself tonight under those stars. When a child is told or proved to that the life they have means nothing to the two people that raised them and was supposed to show them love, what are they supposed to do? My breath was short but it wasn't your palms against my skin this time. Look at my tank, it's marked full.

 

Some things will never change.
Some bruises don't go away.

I close my eyes when I get too sad, I think thoughts that I know are bad. Close my eyes and I count to ten, hope it's over when I open them. I want the things that I had before like a Starwars poster on my bedroom door. I wish I could count to ten, make everything be wonderful again. I hold my mom and I hold my dad and try to figure out why they get so mad.
 

I hear them scream, I hear them fight.
They say bad words that make me want to cry.
 

I close my eyes when I go to bed and I dream of adventures that would make me smile. I feel better when I hear them say ...
everything will be wonderful some day.