trying to keep the pages open for you.

I know, understand and accept that I'm distant when confused and I'm sorry for that. I know that it hurts to want to know when the bars are closed so tightly because the monster inside would kill me outright if I let him (her?) out. You have to remember that sometimes secrets aren't always a bad thing. Sometimes secrets can save you from a much bigger problem. Although, I would give my right arm to know your secrets. Hardly fair, I understand.

So let's try to understand my problems, my issues.

Are you ready?

Here.

We.

Go.

I feel things I shouldn't feel, think about things that I shouldn't think about. No, I'm not talking about another hospital stay. I'm talking impure thoughts, reason for embarrassment. Reason for a secret, for the silence. I want to let you in, I really do. I have nothing to hide and, as you know, I'm an open book. But there are some things that need and want to stay with me and me only. When I try to let it out, I just feel even more torn inside. Like with each word that escapes my lips, another thread unravels, another seam breaks loose.

I know, I’m rambling. But I don’t think that I wrote this post for anyone but her anyway. Even in writing it down, I can feel the fabric unraveling and my mind unweaving. Remember kids, I’m trying to find myself and figure out what I’m feeling right now. But that’s the thing. I don’t think I’ll be able to figure out what’s going on with me until I put some of the pieces together and that’s very difficult when I don’t know how.

Maybe I’ll draw out an impossible puzzle and super glue it to my forehead as a warning sign to all of those trying to enter my life. I am a puzzle ... even to myself. And I’m trying desperately to put the pieces back together. Maybe I’ll draw a maze with no way out, only a way in, and super glue it to my foot as a warning to myself that I’m walking in this maze without any sign of giving up even though I know there’s not an "EXIT" sign at the end of my travels.

Maybe I’ll finish off the last of the super glue

and use it to shut my eyes closed because,

at the moment,

it wouldn’t be any different than right now,

with my eyes wide open.