invade, why don't you.

It's been a long time since I've considered you.

Dreaming or awake.

Ok, that's a lie.

She came to me in a dream last night. It's been a long time since that has happened to me. But, then again, I hardly ever dream anymore. Maybe it's because reality is becoming too much to deal with so I'm forgetting the fantasy world. And this dream, to say the least, was more fantasy than I would have liked.

I was just as surprised to see her then as I was when I opened my eyes this morning. She didn't look sad but she started talking about her relationship problems with me and her frustration. The wall was torn down, she confided in me. It was a miracle. We laughed and joked and talked like we were never seperated. There was even a moment where, somehow in the mix of movement, we came face to face, inches from each other, and I could have kissed her.

But I didn't.

I wanted the magic to last, I wanted to let it grow again. I told her that this past year and a half was full of hurt and longing for something, anything with her. "It was possible to live without you but it hurt more than you could imagine." She just smiled and nodded her head. I wanted it to be real, it felt real, I thought it was real. Until I felt her drifting away, the dream escaping me and the morning sun greeting my face. My eyes widened with fear and I quickly grabbed for her hand. We held tight to each other as I felt the dream fading into nothing.

I begged with her not to let go. With every ounce of my being I screamed and pleaded with whoever would listen, "Don't let me lose her." But our hands were already disconnected from one anothers and my eyes were open. Back to reality, please no. I held myself tight and let the tears come. All I wanted was for her to walk through that door and hold me and tell me that everything was going to be ok again. That she would be there for me again. That I could be there for her again. That anything would ever be the same again. I can feel my throat closing as my eyes well with tears.

I will never be the same again.

girls like you.

I've broken another glass heart. I try to pick up the pieces but, with each guesture, I attain another scratch, another scar, another tear. "There are names for girls like you," she whispers with her breath grazing past my ear. I grip tight to the rope and hold back the river. I scream and plead with the world to open it's heart for a moment. The warmth surrounds me and, suddenly, I can't breathe. I panic even though I know that I should, in turn, open myself and offer the last beat. With shaking hands, I unravel the thread that is my skin, my protection, and reach in to feel the throbbing life within my chest.

I sink to the floor with my heart wrapped tightly with all of my fingers entwined around each other. But I can feel it crying for air and my throat catches in desperation. My mouth gapes open but nothing is projected, not even a slight gasp. I stand and am face to face with myself.

My hands are cold against the glass held up by the frame of what seems to be my last existance. I have a reason to live, to love, to laugh, to cry. I raise my arms above my head in a threatening motion and a gutteral cry escapes my mouth as I throw all of my worries to the other side of the mirror. It shatters before my eyes and falls to the ground silently. The room is suddenly pitch black and all I hear is my heartbeat against the wooden floor pannels and my breath, heavy yet relieved.

I feel a rush of renewal and begin to sob. Back on the ground, I grip my legs tight to my chest and allow myself to cry until my throat burns and my eyes feel heavy and weak. My heart still beats only inches from my feet but I can't seem to muster enough strength to retrieve it. I can hear it's desperation to continue beating and I can also hear the exhaustion it holds. A gust of warm summer wind envelopes the room and I can hear someone breathing with me in the darkness. Footsteps lead to where my heart still lays and I can hear it's beating get louder and louder.

I feel it as she places it back within the open hole in my chest, warm and wet and comforting. She swaddles me like a child and whispers yet again to me,

"There are names for girls like you."

trying to keep the pages open for you.

I know, understand and accept that I'm distant when confused and I'm sorry for that. I know that it hurts to want to know when the bars are closed so tightly because the monster inside would kill me outright if I let him (her?) out. You have to remember that sometimes secrets aren't always a bad thing. Sometimes secrets can save you from a much bigger problem. Although, I would give my right arm to know your secrets. Hardly fair, I understand.

So let's try to understand my problems, my issues.

Are you ready?

Here.

We.

Go.

I feel things I shouldn't feel, think about things that I shouldn't think about. No, I'm not talking about another hospital stay. I'm talking impure thoughts, reason for embarrassment. Reason for a secret, for the silence. I want to let you in, I really do. I have nothing to hide and, as you know, I'm an open book. But there are some things that need and want to stay with me and me only. When I try to let it out, I just feel even more torn inside. Like with each word that escapes my lips, another thread unravels, another seam breaks loose.

I know, I’m rambling. But I don’t think that I wrote this post for anyone but her anyway. Even in writing it down, I can feel the fabric unraveling and my mind unweaving. Remember kids, I’m trying to find myself and figure out what I’m feeling right now. But that’s the thing. I don’t think I’ll be able to figure out what’s going on with me until I put some of the pieces together and that’s very difficult when I don’t know how.

Maybe I’ll draw out an impossible puzzle and super glue it to my forehead as a warning sign to all of those trying to enter my life. I am a puzzle ... even to myself. And I’m trying desperately to put the pieces back together. Maybe I’ll draw a maze with no way out, only a way in, and super glue it to my foot as a warning to myself that I’m walking in this maze without any sign of giving up even though I know there’s not an "EXIT" sign at the end of my travels.

Maybe I’ll finish off the last of the super glue

and use it to shut my eyes closed because,

at the moment,

it wouldn’t be any different than right now,

with my eyes wide open.

eleanor rigby.

I can feel the phone vibrate inside my pocket, my curiosity begins to highten, but I refuse to read the words coming from the other end. I won't let her get to me but it's too late. The child that is no longer inside me still kicks, she still cries. I can still feel her. All of her. Her absence is a daily reminder of the emptiness that now envelopes the space where she once was. The gun is breathing down your neck, their lights are on, flags are hanging outside of houses warning you to stay away from their daughters, they WILL find you, and you WILL pay. You can't run, you can't hide, and you will NEVER forget. I will make sure of that. I've learned to let go of people and I already have one lost girl on my mind. Why does she continue to text and remind me? We both knew this was coming. I'm sick of the guilt trips and the mind games. Life is confusing enough without your needles of change piercing my skin and attempting to remind me that I don't know you anymore.

I looked in the mirror today and scared myself. There are times that I don't know who I am anymore. There are times that I feel like I'm just living this life in someone else's body and I don't know her; going about HER day. It's a scary thing when you realize that you have to find yourself because even you don't know anymore. But it's not so scary when someone helps you realize that it doesn't have to be scary because I have come to realize that there are so many people who love me and care about me and I feel the same for them. I'm finally happy with who I've become, now I just need to figure out who that person is.

I can't wait for the day that I look in the mirror and see myself looking back; someone I know, someone I'm happy with, and someone I even love. My friend taught me that you need to learn to love yourself or you'll never be satisfied. You know that saying, "You have to love yourself before you can love another person"? Well, I get it now. I understand. I know what I have to do and ...

my journey starts here.