moving forward.

A lot has happened since I last blogged and I think I'm finally at a good point to get it all out there. After a very successful year at the Art Institute of Nashville I spend some time in Lawrenceburg, TN working at a state fair with an independent concession stand thanks to a good friend of mine. The money I earned there was the stepping stone of being able to take my travel to Arlington, VA where I planned on starting the new quarter at the Art Institute there. I spent a couple weeks getting to know the area and getting out applications for work and then took a trip again in October to Columbia, SC where I worked again with the same independent concession stand. The people I met both in Lawrenceburg and in Columbia will forever be in my heart. They are like family to each other and it didn't take long before I was welcomed into their circle. 

I met so many amazing people when I was in Tennessee and I will never forget any of them. We entertained ourselves with weekly kickball, cliff jumping and camping at the dam, tattoo parties, adopting animals (usually my fault … woops), partying like there was no tomorrow, midnight swimming, and enjoying every minute of it.

Being in Lawrenceburg especially made me reevaluate my life and what I want for my future. Family is such an instilled value of their lives along with hard work and a certain toughness that I hadn't experienced before. 

I was in Virginia until November 8th and ended up having to move back in with my mom and step dad and the girls. I was sitting in the room with everyone, making the last arrangements for my transfer when dad said it was too much and he was done helping with my loan. I tried negotiating a few different ideas with him but, in the end, it was time to just let it go. So I got a job in Morgantown and have been working on getting out of debt since I've been back. Hopefully everything will be completed in a couple months and I can revisit my journey in education. 

At first I wanted to look into schools that were close to home so that I could visit my family and friends whenever I wanted to. But after being back, I've come to realize with a heavy heart that there really isn't anything back here for me. I need to accept it and move on. I have a few really good friends who I know I can count on and who I want to be friends with for the rest of my life but most of the people I decided to surround myself with when I was in high school either were just the wrong people or have grown into people who I don't like or very much care for anymore. So much hate and vengeance and maliciousness that I don't want in my life if I'm going to continue moving forward. 

I'm starting over in a lot of different ways. Another way is that Julia and I broke up. My stomach feels sick when I think about it from time to time but it was the right thing to do. I've come to accept that we're not going to have what we used to have and she wasn't willing to work through what we still had so it was a lost cause. It was definitely time to say our goodbyes. 

So I've decided Canada, people. It's time for me to stop living for other people and finally live for myself. I'm going to take care of school on my own and start my life out in the world yet again. This is a start that I'm not used to though. One where I will have everything taken care of. One where I'm not leaving a mess in tow. One where I can truly refresh my mind and body and life in general. Cost of school in Canada is surprisingly less than it is in the states. What you pay for one year here, you easily pay for 3 years there. And, aren't I always saying travel is the best way to keep your mind fresh and vigor? 

the rebel side I get from my dad

The things that you know about yourself are easy to admit. Well, the ones that don't make you look bad at least. It seems so hard to just admit your faults. Like it makes you less of a person. But in reality it makes you a better person to know your faults and be able to admit them. But you still think about the ridicule. Why are we so afraid of what people think?

I see things in the world around me and in people that others may miss. This can be a blessing and a curse. I rely on my inner thoughts and feelings in dealing with the world around me. I've always looked more towards my own ideas and experiences than what I was told by my religious upbringing or from scientific evidence. I'm not bound by common, but love to travel and have new experiences. I enjoy intelligence, but also enjoy a challenge. I can be pretty argumentative when I'm being forced or feel as if I am being forced to conform. The rebel side I get from my dad.

I'm energetic, lively, and optimistic. I want to contribute to the world. The best way to get along with me is to give me companionship, affection, and freedom. Good conversation with a hint of sarcasm from time to time. Get just as grossly happy over my visions as I do and listen to my stories. Don't try to change me; I'm way too stubborn for that. Accept me the way I am. Be responsible for yourself; I don't like clingy or needy. Above all, don't tell me what to do.

I love being optimistic and not letting life's troubles get me down. The crazy spontaneity that life has to offer makes me think that anything is possible. I even indulge in the fact that I'm outspoken and outrageous. It's all part of the fun. I also love having the guts to take risks and to try exciting adventures. Whether it be a good or bad experience, it's a lesson nonetheless. 

But I don't have enough time to do all the things I want. I often don't finish things I start. I don't profit from the benefits that come from specializing; it's hard for me to make a commitment to a career. I have a tendency to be ungrounded and can get lost in plans or fantasies. 

And for the grand finale, as a parent I will probably have a mix of traits. Want my kids to be exposed to many adventures in life but I may be too busy with my own activities to be attentive.

Looking back on that, I just described both of my parents. I'm ok with that because it just means that I can do things right that weren't done right in the past. I can make myself better than them. I can also do everything they did right. And my kids will one day be doing the same thing. I hope they succeed. I hope I succeed. I know that everyone has to have flaws to make them human but even if I could just minimize some of them. Defeat a good majority. I think my kids will turn out alright.

ain't nothing in this world for free.

There are times were you're at the end of the day, sitting in a bath that took you an hour to just get set up, thinking about how you want to be reflective and write all these meaningful things about life but all you can think about is how you're a bad girlfriend and wondering how on earth the bath water is cold already. Probably because it wasn't warm to begin with and the fact that it's slowly draining doesn't help much. All you wanted was to relieve your cramps, reflect, listen to music, and maybe write a little bit. And now you're stuck. Despite all the things running through your mind, you know you can't say any of them.

How am I supposed to know if this is the right path? More water in the bath. Still cold. Just like your dad. Too big of a heart and a temper like a hurricane. Like your mom. Don't want a real job and so into the perfect family that you could be a 40's housewife. Nothing wrong with either of them. They're happy in life and make it work, one way or another.

An hour an a half later. Freezing, blank, and not tired in the least.

just a word.

Letters. Words filling the pages. Rummaging through the past, reliving all the mistakes. Seeing all the things that I have changed. How far I've come from then. I'm learning. Slowly but surely. If I could find the courage, I'd probably say ...

I'm sorry you were a rebound.
I'm sorry I ended up falling for you and then missing her.
I'm sorry you embarrassed me.
I'm sorry you didn't give a shit.
I'm sorry I thought what happened to you was a good thing.
I'm sorry we lived so far away.
I'm sorry I responded to your texts when you had a girlfriend.
I'm sorry you fell before I did.
I'm sorry for talking about her.
I'm sorry you were too skinny for me.
I'm sorry I couldn't get it out of my mind what you did to me.
I'm sorry I got scared.
I'm sorry I was with her when I was dating you.
I'm sorry there were secrets.
I'm sorry I lied.
I'm sorry I still think about you.
I'm sorry things got to that point.
I'm sorry you had to witness that fight.
I'm sorry I didn't help more.
I'm sorry I used you to make her jealous.
I'm sorry you couldn't even hold my hand in public.
I'm sorry you were psycho.

But mostly ...
I'm sorry I broke your heart.
I'm glad you're happy now.
I'm glad we both moved on.

do you remember?

Time changes a person. Actions, interactions, and experiences are all on the path we are traveling down. I'm alone right now. A few people might try to tell you different. I stopped trying to correct. Listen and you might hear your name. A friend once told me that sound travels when you pay enough attention. It's true.

Your eyes witness a tear but I'm only trying to save you. My bottle holds a simple message. A friendly warning. Chase my heart down a dark hallway and you will lose yourself. Protect your own for now. Stop trying to figure me out. I'm working on that myself now. I don't need you to define me; even if you do need it. I won't ever need you or anyone to define myself. If you're still convinced, you might need to reevaluate yourself. Look over your life notes. Have you done this in the past? You seem accustomed.

I'm numb to my own pain. And yours. This isn't like me. I don't seem to really give two shits about her either. When did this mask take its place around my face? Your wounds will never be as deep as mine. I'm the one conflicted. I'm the one who will be sure to suffer.

Karma is a regretful bitch and I just stole her last cookie.

too cold outside

They yell at her, blame her for the lead. She's playing cards and forgets how to add. He holds the king, the card she needs to get her release number. Sift through the deck. Hundreds of cards are before her. She sifts frantically, stopping long enough to kiss the lips and remember that's not her card. So they blame her for tears and a faulty hand. Try harder this time but she just gets farther from the truth. Movies remind her what she needs to do. She probably won't win the game but a train and new city will give her the king back. She's hopeful. Romantic. Pictures it perfectly. Standing across the street so that he can't see her. The first time she mutters a mans' name, feels foreign in her mouth.

Dry throat, scared girl, no certainty. But she wants to dive. They all say it's too far, too high, she won't survive. Knees shaking, crumbling beneath her. She stands across from him with no strength. It will end in more tears and he'll probably steal the rest of the deck from her when she's looking. But she has to know, see him.

Her throat chokes as his picture comes to the surface. Hasn't seen him since nineteen. She doesn't want to go outside tonight.

I thought I already said my goodbyes

But I still look at your facebook at least once a week. Even though all I can see is your profile picture. But I still think about how you're doing. But every day there are things that remind me of you. I can't listen to that song anymore. Makes me sick and sad to my stomach. Move on, get over it. How many times have I said that? How many times have you said that? How many times has everyone said that? Does it ever really happen? I wish it would happen fully. Completely and totally. I've tried and maybe this just makes me look like an asshole. The things we don't talk about, right? Just hold a smile. Just love again. It's not easy but it's possible. That's what gave me hope. That word. Possible. So I sucked it all back up, pulled in the reigns. They were wild, struggling hard, but I still managed them. I loved since you. I hurt since you. I lived since you. So why am I still thinking about you? I'm so lost right now. I pretend to have it all figured out, that I know what I'm doing.

I had hope for so long but that changed. Then I was introduced to acceptance. And that was enough for me. So why do I still wonder? Why do I feel like I'm walking aimlessly? I want to scream at the top of my lungs until it makes sense again. I want to cry until my eyes are so red that all I can do is sleep.

I have this plan in my mind. One of many that have passed through my mind over the years. But I'm getting better at being able to hold onto plans lately. You live once and I will regret it forever if I back out again.

I'm so scared.