pass the message

Are you sick of highly paid teachers?

Teachers' hefty salaries are driving up taxes, and they only work 9 or10 months a year! It's time we put things in perspective and pay them for what they do - babysit!

We can get that for less than minimum wage.

That's right. Let's give them $3.00 an hour and only the hours they worked; not any of that silly planning time, or any time they spend before or after school. That would be $19.50 a day (7:45 to 3:00 PM with 45 min. off for lunch and plan-- that equals 6 1/2 hours).

Each parent should pay $19.50 a day for these teachers to baby-sit their children. Now how many students do they teach in a day ... maybe 30? So that's $19.50 x 30 = $585.00 a day.

However, remember they only work 180 days a year!!! I am not going to pay them for any vacations.

LET'S SEE....

That's $585 X 180= $105,300 per year.
(Hold on! My calculator needs new batteries).

What about those special education teachers and the ones with Master's degrees? Well, we could pay them minimum wage ($7.75), and just to be fair, round it off to $8.00 an hour.

That would be $8 X 6 1/2 hours X 30 children X 180 days = $280,800 per year.

Wait a minute -- there's something wrong here! There sure is!

The average teacher's salary (nation wide) is $50,000.

$50,000/180 days = $277.77/per day/30 students = $9.25/6.5 hours = $1.42 per hour per student -- a very inexpensive baby-sitter and they even EDUCATE your kids! WHAT A DEAL!!!!

Make a teacher smile; repost this to show appreciation for all educators.

rumor has it.

Do you remember the pain Poe held in his poetry? It's not his time anymore. 

You have pain? You're not given a day where you can just break down. All day. Just let it all out. Pain is the one thing in life you really have to learn to suppress. You feel too much of it, they pump you with medication. Don't get me wrong, I love my life. I'm happy. For the first time in a really long time everything is working out for me, everything is falling into place like it needs to. I'm growing. I'm changing. But I still have those days where I don't want to get out of bed.

Especially a certain day pretty recently. I know and understand that you can't do that. Not anymore. Now you have school and work and grocery shopping and cleaning and projects ... nothing can get in your way. Not even pain. Not even a deserved day of tear and pillow bonding.

And even when those nights hit, the last thing I want to do is talk about it. I'd have to have a hermit day to be able to celebrate my Pain Appreciation Day. We'll call it PAD.


... That sounds kind of gross. How about P.A.D ... with the separation. Not "pad" but "p-a-d". Yeah, that sounds better.

When you have pain, you should want to talk about it. And I do. I just don't want the responses. I don't want the "I completely understand," "it'll get better," I don't even want the silence. I want the talking without the second person. I feel awkward even writing it out. I'm almost ashamed to feel pain. I think it's because I've seen ten times worse.

I've been around the block. I know what face down in the dirt looks like. I'm on a mountain right now. I have no room for complaint. I have no reason for tears. And what I'm upset over was probably for the better anyway. It shaped lives. It did so much. Especially for me. Yet I can't stop my mind when she's in it. Which is a lot of the time. I've learned that I'm pretty good at wearing a mask though. Just because my face holds a smile without a quiver, doesn't mean my mind isn't wandering to her memory.

Although, there are days where I wish I could just scream. I'd probably scream at you. You won't know I'm talking about you because you probably won't even read this. I would have screamed. I wanted to scream.

I should have screamed.

because i said so.

So I just I literally typed out a status that said, "Blegh. Thinking. Anyone want to figure all this out for me?" and just ended up deleting it. I wanted to write but didn't really want to talk to anyone. And you can't always do that on facebook. Have you ever just wanted to say something or write something just to have it there? Not for comment purpose. Not for responses. But for thought. For contemplation. Something that doesn't need comments to make it prominent in the news feed.

I'm confused but I'm certain. I'm broke but I'm happy. I'm scared but I'm excited. I'm young and underpaid. I'm tired but won't stop working. I'm here but I'm actually everywhere else. What it's all coming down to is that I don't have it all figured out yet. But I think I'm okay with that. I'm sad but I'm laughing. I'm brave but I'm chicken shit. No one knows this yet. I guess they will now. I have six voices talking to me and the only one I can't zone in on is my own. Am I making a mistake or could this be the best thing I've ever done? Are my reasons as logical as I think they are? Or am I still a pubescent teenage boy in heart? 

I'm doing so much better than I ever have before and I love it. So why is my head spinning more than it ever has? Because I know she won't take my mind seriously. Because I know that I will end up the asshole. Because I'm too used to it. Because she will cry. Because I will cry. Because I'm scared. Because I'm unsure but certain. Because I could lose her. Because.

I will never forget the end. Beating my head against the wall. Looking at her and finding myself searching her face for a single recognized feature. We were lost in the daze of ... well ... us. We were lost in the fights, in the fear, in the love we didn't understand. My words won't come out right. But I'll try to explain it anyway. I loved her and then we crossed a line. A very easy line to cross; the line between love and hate. Is it so bad to not want that this time? Is it so bad to be cautious? Is it so bad to say no right now and yes later, when it's more suitable? Is it so bad?

Yes.

forget to remember

I hope you hear me. Give me back her hands. Give me back her touch. I don't ask for much. I think everything is going great. Give it a moment. I'll fuck it up again. My issue is I never know what I do that's so wrong. I don't want you to forget about the house, or forget about the ring. I remember everything. Every day. Give me back my girl and you give me back my life.

This is just a nightmare so I blink twice. I pinch myself so that I wake. I'm sweating beneath these covers. I open up my eyes, hoping she'll be in my sight. Reminders all over my walls, in my ears. Everyone asks about you. My mom and my friends. Sometimes even my dad. Remember what he said?

I hope I never see the day where you're wishing you never met me because I'm sitting here, begging that you never forget me.

I'm sick just writing this, hands inside of me, ripping at my stomach. Prying at the walls. Bleeding me out. I have no will to move, no motivation to get out of bed.

I hope she remembers soon before she forgets it all.

to infinity and beyond.

I miss you so much that my body and stomach ache to just feel you, feel how it feels to be in your arms. I'm laying here, in the only occupied spot of my bed, watching you sleep and I can feel everything inside of my body being pulled in your direction. Through the screen and sliding in next to you. Gentle or I'll wake you. Feeling you breathe beneath my arm sends warmth through my fingertips and the sensation travels through my entire body. I can close my eyes and feel the fabric of your clothing on my bare arm and neck and I want to nuzzle deeper, try to get so far in that I'll never come back. So deep I can stay there forever. You mumble something briefly and I imagine what it will feel like to lay next to you at night and hear that muffled language right next to my ear.

I can feel your arms wrapping tighter around my body when I close my eyes and half expect to be next to you when I open them again. I'm not one for patience, this you know, but I am willing to wait for this. It will be the best kept surprise I ever keep because I'm bound to catch my breath when it finally happens; swept off my feet all over again, feeling the surprise that it still feels just like it did the first time. I never want to stop feeling this for you. I never want to wake up or open my eyes. Can we stay intertwined in this dream of the future? Just a moment longer and then you can do the important things like finals and school and graduating and work. But for now, hold me tight and keep your eyes closed.

Our day will come soon. I know this. But remember when I said patience wasn't my strong suit? You'll have to work with me on this. It's not going to be easy but nothing worth it ever comes easily. You're the most worth it addition to my life I have encountered. I don't want to lose that bond, that connection. I want to be yours. I want you to be mine.

I should have given this to you a while ago but you know these promises aren't new. You knew then too but I want you too be able to look down and see the metallic symbolism anytime you forget or just need a reason to smile. I want this to be a promise. So I want you to know it's from my heart. It's not a decision to keep a promise or not to. If you make that promise, you keep it. Let me keep you? I promise to do the following:

1. Understand fully that nothing comes easy that is worth something amazing.
2. Remind you anytime you forget that I love you.
3. Treat you in the way you deserve.
4. Always be faithful to you.
5. Take you in my arms when you're crying or upset and try to make everything better or just sit there with you, listening to you talk.
6. Sit up at night every once in a while to just watch you sleep.
7. Keep our apartment clean when we move in together.
8. Show you every day that I was a good choice and make you proud.
9. Hold your hand when we're walking even two feet.
10. Let the hermit crabs out every once in a while.
11. Blow raspberries on your tummy ... an neck ... and arms. :)
12. See fireworks every time we kiss even if it's just a peck.
13. Let you get TWO animals of your choice when we get a HOUSE. ;)
14. Keep you warm every winter.
15. Go to the beach with you every summer after I get a car ... even before California.
16. Cuddle with you every night when we have our own place.
17. Help make you feel at home wherever we are.
18. Never stop giving you grand gestures (I couldn't even if I wanted to) :)
19. Never stop giving you the little things too.
20. Let you decorate the kitchen however you want.
21. Let you teach me how to cook.
22. Cook for you just as often as you cook for me. (That's not saying it's all going to be good)
23. Let you rant and rave to me whenever you have a bad day.
24. Take care of you when you're all sick and pukey and helpless (whether you're sick or just sloshed) ;)
25. To not break any of these promises.

To infinity and beyond?

watching the lessons unfold.

Love is a dance; a song that won't dare to be sung. It's impossible to put all the feelings in a single note. Splay out the sheet music and begin the orchestra.

My arms were wrapped around you and I was unaware of what I was beginning, what new path was about to be walked. You opened my eyes and let the beauty in. Now we're here, starting to realize what we're holding. So close. So far away. So exciting and new. We're frozen, speechless, and wondering what will happen next. I had a feeling this was going to lead somewhere amazing. My eyes wouldn't leave your smile, your eyes, your face, your hair, your hands, your body; you. My feet wouldn't touch the ground to walk away. My keys wouldn't go in the ignition right. Driving away, I felt the urge to push down on the break. Just one more smile, one more thought, one more kiss. Curfew was calling my name but I wanted to keep that moment, bottle it up and hide it away. Somewhere far where time doesn't matter anymore and it's just this moment, right here and now.

We talked about families and friends, entered into another person's world. I thought those doors were closed for me yet here you are, opening my mind and heart as easily as if you had the right key. You were hiding it, waiting for me.

Your head is on my stomach and we're in the bliss of everything; every touch, every kiss, every expression, every word.

I've been talking to my grandparents, dad, and mom again. I tried to push them all away but they push right back and want to stay and that's one good thing I have. I'm going to make this cloud above me disappear and be gone. I can feel a punch inside my heartbeat on the floor. Restarting the engine; let's get going.

The 19th comes so soon every month and I have the selfishness of not being strong enough. My father tells me to try to be responsible. My mother loves me but not the way he does. She looks out for me. She's not afraid to tell me when she thinks I'm being foolish. A mothers job never really stops, I've come to realize. Once you make that commitment, it's a 24/7 job for the rest of your life. Not a job necessarily but definitely something that takes hard work, long hours, and dedication. You have to know true love before you can raise a human being.

A little album with photographs from a life before the one she leads now used to sit in her office bookshelf. A moment when she loved to kiss someone else. She knew the truth about love and how no matter how true, sometimes the pages get torn or the entire sheet music gets tossed in a fire. She felt her heart tear and rip and watched it get mended over again when she opened herself to a new love. The endless cycle of sifting through everyone who could ever hurt you yet finding the one who is always worth fighting for. Because when they hurt you, you know it's because you care, there's something there. There's that string connecting your hearts and it's being tested. Everyone will hurt you in one way or another if you love them. It's a part of growing and experiencing different feelings, different emotions. You just have to find the right person to go on that journey with. Whether the road be paved or tattered, know that you will travel it only with the ones who care the most by your side, through it all.

We are each given a road. It's up to us as to who travels it with us.

What do you believe in?

Well?

Let's hear it ...