to infinity and beyond.

I miss you so much that my body and stomach ache to just feel you, feel how it feels to be in your arms. I'm laying here, in the only occupied spot of my bed, watching you sleep and I can feel everything inside of my body being pulled in your direction. Through the screen and sliding in next to you. Gentle or I'll wake you. Feeling you breathe beneath my arm sends warmth through my fingertips and the sensation travels through my entire body. I can close my eyes and feel the fabric of your clothing on my bare arm and neck and I want to nuzzle deeper, try to get so far in that I'll never come back. So deep I can stay there forever. You mumble something briefly and I imagine what it will feel like to lay next to you at night and hear that muffled language right next to my ear.

I can feel your arms wrapping tighter around my body when I close my eyes and half expect to be next to you when I open them again. I'm not one for patience, this you know, but I am willing to wait for this. It will be the best kept surprise I ever keep because I'm bound to catch my breath when it finally happens; swept off my feet all over again, feeling the surprise that it still feels just like it did the first time. I never want to stop feeling this for you. I never want to wake up or open my eyes. Can we stay intertwined in this dream of the future? Just a moment longer and then you can do the important things like finals and school and graduating and work. But for now, hold me tight and keep your eyes closed.

Our day will come soon. I know this. But remember when I said patience wasn't my strong suit? You'll have to work with me on this. It's not going to be easy but nothing worth it ever comes easily. You're the most worth it addition to my life I have encountered. I don't want to lose that bond, that connection. I want to be yours. I want you to be mine.

I should have given this to you a while ago but you know these promises aren't new. You knew then too but I want you too be able to look down and see the metallic symbolism anytime you forget or just need a reason to smile. I want this to be a promise. So I want you to know it's from my heart. It's not a decision to keep a promise or not to. If you make that promise, you keep it. Let me keep you? I promise to do the following:

1. Understand fully that nothing comes easy that is worth something amazing.
2. Remind you anytime you forget that I love you.
3. Treat you in the way you deserve.
4. Always be faithful to you.
5. Take you in my arms when you're crying or upset and try to make everything better or just sit there with you, listening to you talk.
6. Sit up at night every once in a while to just watch you sleep.
7. Keep our apartment clean when we move in together.
8. Show you every day that I was a good choice and make you proud.
9. Hold your hand when we're walking even two feet.
10. Let the hermit crabs out every once in a while.
11. Blow raspberries on your tummy ... an neck ... and arms. :)
12. See fireworks every time we kiss even if it's just a peck.
13. Let you get TWO animals of your choice when we get a HOUSE. ;)
14. Keep you warm every winter.
15. Go to the beach with you every summer after I get a car ... even before California.
16. Cuddle with you every night when we have our own place.
17. Help make you feel at home wherever we are.
18. Never stop giving you grand gestures (I couldn't even if I wanted to) :)
19. Never stop giving you the little things too.
20. Let you decorate the kitchen however you want.
21. Let you teach me how to cook.
22. Cook for you just as often as you cook for me. (That's not saying it's all going to be good)
23. Let you rant and rave to me whenever you have a bad day.
24. Take care of you when you're all sick and pukey and helpless (whether you're sick or just sloshed) ;)
25. To not break any of these promises.

To infinity and beyond?

watching the lessons unfold.

Love is a dance; a song that won't dare to be sung. It's impossible to put all the feelings in a single note. Splay out the sheet music and begin the orchestra.

My arms were wrapped around you and I was unaware of what I was beginning, what new path was about to be walked. You opened my eyes and let the beauty in. Now we're here, starting to realize what we're holding. So close. So far away. So exciting and new. We're frozen, speechless, and wondering what will happen next. I had a feeling this was going to lead somewhere amazing. My eyes wouldn't leave your smile, your eyes, your face, your hair, your hands, your body; you. My feet wouldn't touch the ground to walk away. My keys wouldn't go in the ignition right. Driving away, I felt the urge to push down on the break. Just one more smile, one more thought, one more kiss. Curfew was calling my name but I wanted to keep that moment, bottle it up and hide it away. Somewhere far where time doesn't matter anymore and it's just this moment, right here and now.

We talked about families and friends, entered into another person's world. I thought those doors were closed for me yet here you are, opening my mind and heart as easily as if you had the right key. You were hiding it, waiting for me.

Your head is on my stomach and we're in the bliss of everything; every touch, every kiss, every expression, every word.

I've been talking to my grandparents, dad, and mom again. I tried to push them all away but they push right back and want to stay and that's one good thing I have. I'm going to make this cloud above me disappear and be gone. I can feel a punch inside my heartbeat on the floor. Restarting the engine; let's get going.

The 19th comes so soon every month and I have the selfishness of not being strong enough. My father tells me to try to be responsible. My mother loves me but not the way he does. She looks out for me. She's not afraid to tell me when she thinks I'm being foolish. A mothers job never really stops, I've come to realize. Once you make that commitment, it's a 24/7 job for the rest of your life. Not a job necessarily but definitely something that takes hard work, long hours, and dedication. You have to know true love before you can raise a human being.

A little album with photographs from a life before the one she leads now used to sit in her office bookshelf. A moment when she loved to kiss someone else. She knew the truth about love and how no matter how true, sometimes the pages get torn or the entire sheet music gets tossed in a fire. She felt her heart tear and rip and watched it get mended over again when she opened herself to a new love. The endless cycle of sifting through everyone who could ever hurt you yet finding the one who is always worth fighting for. Because when they hurt you, you know it's because you care, there's something there. There's that string connecting your hearts and it's being tested. Everyone will hurt you in one way or another if you love them. It's a part of growing and experiencing different feelings, different emotions. You just have to find the right person to go on that journey with. Whether the road be paved or tattered, know that you will travel it only with the ones who care the most by your side, through it all.

We are each given a road. It's up to us as to who travels it with us.

What do you believe in?

Well?

Let's hear it ...

we can own this night.

Please read this and write in the comments section what you think it's about. This is an experiment with writing that I'm doing. There is no wrong answer!!!! Write whatever you feel it's about. The more unique, the better. Once you write an opion, I'll message you on facebook and explain what I did/what it means.

The morning after is an attempt to say we owned the night.

Game over, finish him!

I hate the beach. 

What would you say 

if I let go?

This is it. You're hiding all the right things for forty five days. Emotion is screaming for you to stay with me
but you can't be real with me.

I'm trying to refrain from being in a town like this but you'd say I was trying to have the life of a pirate. You say you're California bound so can you show me what I'm looking for? Turn back the time to before December, when we were together with the sun down.

If the moon fell down tonight,
would you be coming clean?

Tell me the truth about the love note where you told me to never change?
All those nights and that lovely sound.
I'm ready and I need this more than you know.

You're all around me and I can breathe today; I feel fully alive. And suddenly, for one night only, we're so high in this. Do I have to leave? Aren't you scared I'll fall asleep at the wheel? Just say anything and I'll stay. Every time we touch, I'm amazed. I have a troubled mind but I love your existence, simply and perfectly.

I guess I wouldn't mind if we blamed it on the rain
because you say a mess it grows.

I'm finally proud and you're anchors away; headed back to the East Coast.

With diamonds and daisies, I'm trying to get closer to you. Under the stars that were forgotten, I miss you. I know love versus life is stupid but I need you for both.

I've got a feeling these streets trail seven letters. Sunlight and photographs help me to breathe again. It's just been one of those days again.

The one you knew is still here
but I'm living with the fear you won't fall.

Please don't look away.

I'd rather be with you but, as fate has it, one of those days next winter you'll be free of me. I will no longer have a friend like you.

All the stars in the sky, they bring me to you and you look lovely tonight. I'm leading someone else's life. I keep saying to myself that everything will be alright because you're beautiful in my eyes. You fell from a star but if we're just friends, we can't have your Candy Land wedding.

I still believe I could be good to you.

There's a girl with beautiful eyes and I just can't breathe when you take my hand.
Be my runaway and this could be a moment or a lifetime.

All night is alright but don't call it sunrise until you put your hands against the sky. Dreamers and believers are going to take over so stop this restless motion.

Timing isn't your thing yet I'm headed for the West Coast, our planes passing as we travel. We're kids in love and you're my miss magazine. Dear time traveler, a formal introduction would have been nice. Yes, even stars break but we've got the rain on our side.

Come what may but even you have to admit
there's beauty
in the breakdown.

Her eyes say yes and we're alone with the sunrise at last.

Get a grip, time bomb baby.

the cycle.

Have you ever been so afraid of something that you're so passionate about? Something you long for, hope for, and need yet it's scares you so much you don't want to do it. Every sense in my body tingles when I think about it. My chest tightens and I get a longing like I've never experienced before. It's the one thing I want to do before I die but there are so many things telling me no. Telling me don't do this. Change history. Don't let the cycle continue. And do it because you love this longing so deeply. You tell yourself it's the right thing to do, let it go. You know what comes out of it, you already know what will probably happen so shouldn't you do the right thing? Is it the right thing? Are you just crazy? Can you change the cycle by going through with it and hoping that you're different? Are you up for that kind of challenge? And THEN you think to yourself, if you want it soooo badly, why can't you change history? All on your own.

What about when you surprise yourself? You've always been this way, haven't you? You know how to hurt and be hurt. You know what's wrong and what's right and you blur the lines in your head. Because you're just like him. Trial and error. More errors than expected. The data gets too numerous to work with. You start forgetting dates and moments and little things that should be easy. Yet you still forget the big stuff too? The important stuff holding your plan together. All of those years. All of those mistakes. How do you stop a cycle like that? Something that seemed to be apart of you. Then you finally break free. What, are you a bird trapped in a cage? No. You could have done this all along. You just didn't try hard enough. Or maybe it's the girl. Maybe it's the past relationships. Back to trial and error again. But no matter how you paint the picture, you still deflected it when it was presented to you. You turned away and said no. And you did it with no effort. You just changed your history in one single defining moment. And that's when you realize it too. Not later, thinking back on it. Right then and there. So maybe it takes the right experience or the right girl.

my protection.

I'm not naive, I'm not a child and I'm not oblivious to facts. Everyone dies. It's a part of life. But who made the rule that the young people with a life ahead of them could leave as easily and abruptly? Don't tell me that life isn't fair; you don't need to be a genius to realize that. But this really isn't fair. Beyond the usual unfairness of life.

Amanda Keiffer was one of my best friends. We were going on five years of friendship, shared two apartments and countless memories. This past Friday evening I got a text message asking what happened to her like there was something I should have known. I called another friend to find out what was going on and found out the girl who I had called my "buddy" since 10th grade had passed away that morning. In one instant, my life was halted. I couldn't breathe and couldn't stop crying. I was sitting out on my great grandmothers porch with Julia when I found out. I had been there for a going away dinner that was being held for me since I was leaving the following day for Nashville, TN. Moments after I got off the phone, my mom came walking around the back of the house and I ran into her arms. I was so glad that she had showed up when she did. I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest and I desperately needed her to just hold me. She hugged me tight for the first time in such a long time and I felt my pain entering her, like she was sharing it with me, understanding me.

We had so many memories. She was the one friend who was allowed to call me "buddy". She always told me she loved me before hanging up the phone. She got me addicted to Petville on facebook (yeah, I'll admit it). She really listened to me when I needed her. She was like my twin. We had so much in common in ways that I hadn't found in anyone else.

I saw your body today. I knew you weren't there anymore. Your mind and heart and spirit were gone. Your pale face ripped at my heart. It didn't look like you. There was a moment where I could have sworn I saw you breathing. I didn't tell anyone that. I felt crazy, hopeful. They can be the same thing sometimes. I remember reaching out to touch your chest and felt it under my palm; stiff and still just like I had imagined it would be. Tears poured through and grazed over the edges of my eyes so easily. I felt my chest weighing heavy, I could barely breathe. I wanted to hold your hand and feel you squeeze back, feel your presence one more time, hear your voice. Anything.

I called your phone in hopes of hearing you but I got nothing. Did you get my text message? I sent it while I was sitting behind the herse on the way to the church. There were pictures of us. Did you see them? Do you remember when they were taken? Do you remember sharing the memories? Do you see me now? Bent and bleeding, begging for this all to be some horrific nightmare. Pinch me. Wake me up. And then hug me tight and tell me that you're ok. Tell me you'll grow old with me. Tell me we'll both get married. Tell me there will be a day when our kids will play together. Tell me that you'll be living out a full life, a long life. Tell me this is all a dream.

 I made a playlist of your favorite songs to put on my iPod. So maybe when I'm really missing you and wishing we could sing them together, I can put them on to soothe me. Or if I need a good cry. Or a better memory. You always said I knew your taste in music. You, sappy music enthusiast. Remember "If It Means a Lot to You" or "Your Guardian Angel"? Be my angel, Amanda? Stay with me. Hold me in my sleep when dreams of our past haunt me, pat me on the back and encourage me when I'm about to take a really hard test, hold my hand as I walk onto the stage when I graduate? Yell from the audience when my name gets called like I know you'd do if you could be there in person.

I was in Levittown the day before you passed. I tried getting a hold of you so I could see you and found out you moved out of that damn area. Moved out of the bad and into a better, more stable situation. I remember telling Julia that I was glad, I was hoping you could have an easier time getting clean. I thought, like me, you were getting out finally. I thought you were starting your life. I wanted you to be safe. I wanted you to survive. I wanted you to be ok. Now you're gone and there's nothing I can do to change that. I scream to the heavens, to the sky, to wherever you are. Can you hear my cries? Can you hear me down here pleading for this to change? To bring you back. For me, for your family, for Melissa, for your friends, for all the people who loved you.

You would have wanted it to be different. You wanted a life. You wanted to get better. We talked about it all the time. You told me how we were going to be best friends until the end.

At least I can rest knowing I was yours until your end. 

 

 

Who am I kidding? Ever heard of the stages of grief? Well there should be a stage called the "Selfish Stage" because all I can think about now is how much I want you back here. All I can think about is how much I miss you and how unfair this all is.

You will always live in my heart and mind. All the way up until my last breath. Sometimes it takes a great person to pass for others to realize that what they're doing isn't right. Maybe your death was a message to everyone who loves and cares for you. Maybe you're trying to tell us to get our act together, to get out in your honor, to clean up in your honor. I am doing this for myself but you are my strength. Whenever I think that I can't go on or keep up with my life, I'm going to remember you and remember how you wouldn't want me to give up. I promise to kick myself in the ass and work my hardest for the next three years to get to that stage if you promise to walk it with me. Every step of the way. Every passing moment I better feel you by my side. I understand other people need you too but there has to be a way to be in more than one place at a time. You gave me the strength and the courage to keep going.

I remember the last time I talked to you. It was the night that I had everything happen at my dad's. You were trying to find me a place to go. I remember you telling me it was going to be ok and that you loved me. I will never forget you. You were my rock through the good and the bad. You were always there for me. No matter what.

I love you too, Amanda Marie Keiffer.
I love you too.

puppet show.

Sitting under the stars, I look to the sky and wonder where you are. A glimmer flashes across the sky and my eyes close. I hide in my thoughts and make a wish to outshine the rest. Squinting, I catch a glimpse of a far off silhouette on the edge of the moon. Hand raised, pleading to be recognized. I lift my arms up, let my eyes close again, and go inside myself to a part I rarely allow myself to visit.

I feel the ground disappear beneath my feet as my body is lifted up. All of my energy is forced through my bones, skin, muscle. All in order to reach the space that you occupy in the clouds. Your smile fades as I climb the rope to where you stand. Tears begin to fill your eyes and the sun catches a flash in your hands. Reach down and cut me loose. Let me fall back down. I was so close. I was almost there.

But your heart had other plans, 

other ambitions, 

a hidden agenda.

The ground hits me harder each time. I try to reach for you but your life is closed to me. Your heart and mind no longer hold a chair for me. The place I used to have on your front porch is now home to a black hole. Trying to fill the space and I just get sucked back into the vortex.

Hope lingered in my throat and I had to catch it, not let it escape. I think I knew you would trick me. I think I knew you would hurt me.

You never mean to. If I look close enough, I can clearly see the thin strands that are now attached to your wrists and ankles. Puppet dear, use those scissors for something useful. But I can't tell you what to do. I can't voice my hope or my desire.

I lost that privlege long ago. 

I just want to know why you keep me here. Why your voice visits me in my sleep, begging me to join the stars time and time again. Just to be pushed off the ladder, just to fall back down. I can hear the smile in your voice through the reciever again, I can hear the longing for what used to be there.

Give it time, puppet. That longing will soon be pulled from your lungs and the smile will be replaced with a rasping cough, a feeble attempt to keep the tears from falling. Have you already forgotten that I know you well enough to know how it ends? Have you already forgotten that I know what it means the moment your voice changes? And my heart sinks every time. Like I expected something different. Don't ask why because I don't know the answer. I ask myself all the time.

So why do I keep hitting the talk button?

Because I don't want to let this go. I have enough pride and respect to know that what we had aside from our romance was real and true and you know me in a way that no one else ever will. Find yourself on my porch steps at the end of your life and you'll see me there, sitting next to a vacant chair. It's here waiting for you.

Whenever you're ready to accept it. 

Whenever you're ready to admit it. 

Whenever you're ready to answer that wish.

Don't make any promises though. Remember, I know how it ends.