this hope

If I could, I would raise you to admire the strength of lonely.

There was a person I used to be.

Someone who loved with every pore exposed.

I found the shore of despair and, in it,

the island of overcoming.

If I could, I'd teach you the simplistic treasures

and that everything comes in its own time.

I wanted to race

but I could never remember where the finish point was.

All the lines blurred

so I ran faster.

The wall that built me

turned me into a pile of rubble.

My pace slowed 

and I realized something;

even in the cause of loneliness, 

there is a silent strength

that will hopefully one day pave the road

to a better truth.

It is this hope.

don't be afraid ...

to follow the discourse.

You've really only got two options here. You're going to fail miserably or have the best time of your life. Are you willing to risk the fear of something bad for the possibility of something good? Every moment in life is based on yes and no answers. Imagine you're sitting at a stop sign, gripping the leather beneath your palms; looking left, right, left ... then right, then straight, then back to left. Sometimes you'll have 3 different ways to go, sometimes 4 or 5 even. Then sometimes you come to a dead end and have to turn around. Which way is going to take you to the other side? And maybe all of them will lead to the other side, but the view will simply be different.

Have you ever looked back on your life and thought, "I'm ok with the mistakes I've made. I can handle the cuts and bruises because each one of them is a testament as to the fact that I'm still here. And each has their own story and lesson." You didn't get on a bike and know how to ride it right away. You had training wheels and the wind in your face, then your dad's encouraging assistance and a wobbling front tire, and finally, you reach the point when you never forget how to do it on your own.

I look at the people I've encountered at different points in my life and wish it hadn't been only a learning experience; that I wish my mistakes and theirs didn't mean the end all be all but how else would we learn? Every path has a different outlook and outcome; it's better that way. It's a constant battle of wanting to move forward to further yourself and falling back to what you already learned from. 

No, you're not always going to understand the reasoning behind the madness of your own decisions but you're always going to come out with a new perspective. Life is about experience, about learning by doing both the good and the bad things. 

"A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool."

one day to empty your head

A lot has happened this past semester. I feel as though I use that phrase a lot when I write; "a lot has happened." I guess it is true that life doesn't stop moving. Constantly growing, changing, learning, and loving every minute of it. As a very smart fortune cookie once told me, "Be optimistic. There isn't much use being anything else."

She moved here and it was beautiful while tragic. Love is always an adventure and takes us down many different paths of life.

Mustache party, braiding Say-zar's hair to get that perfect 80's hair metal look, decorating cookies into astronauts, carrots in the ceiling, my acceptance letter as a Resident Assistant.

Snakes on the path, celebrations, four wheeling adventures, graffiti to change the world, star gazing during a meteor shower, ridiculous signs at the church and embroidery shop, learning the two step to country music.

Birthdays, painted faces, superhero impersonations, compliments, rejections. Adventures before, during, and after formal. "We're going to gangnam!"

Sleep, no sleep, stress of final projects, a duck by the elevator, concerts, mexican hats, pictures while you make a toilet, playgrounds, hospital, fights, kisses, eleven, cigarette breaks, helping Mike back to his bed from the back parking lot, deep and meaningful conversations (at least in the moment), narwhals, premium quality, and graduation.

I wouldn't trade it for anything. I'm on a continually changing path, sometimes back and forth a few times before the real forward thrust.

If a movie is a pleasure to the eye, it did its job for the ratings. If a movie is a pleasure to the emotions, it did its job for the heart. I lost my way a bit this past semester. Without my friends and mentors I probably wouldn't be as confident to move forward as I am right now. Sometimes you get knocked down and it's a hell of a fight to get back up every once in a while but it is more worth the effort than I think I could put into words. I will keep my head held high and expect nothing but my best, whatever that is. Because that is enough for me. If I know that I've worked hard, even if I don't get the results I wanted, the only person I truly need to succeed is me. The only person I truly need to be proud of me is the person I see in the mirror.

Elephants are beautiful, majestic. The most great of all animals. They are Gods. They have many things to thank the creator for, no? We go further and further into space; no life. And we, as the most intelligent, the fortunate, have the audacity to question. I've seen elephants cry but do they pray? Don't worry, it's not a question to answer but to think about. Sometimes the journey is more important than the destination.

in my minds eye

 

British literature accompanies you tonight. Thoughts of the victorian era, Jane Austen, and your greasy hair.

Dirty hands, stained blue for 3 days with fan art. A cracked guitar and a leaf are your weapons of mass illusion. Despite my childish pout, you're hiding some more kindergarten expressions with ivy league ideas. Ideas you call to, preach to, plea to.

Your absence is a dark cave I haven't crawled from in days. Waiting for you to throw a rope, fashion a ladder, open your barred words to the light.






Food is scarce in such a dreary place, though gardens surround my blind eye for miles.

wishing on eyelashes and shooting stars

She took my hand and with a tilted gaze, spoke with courage. I wanted to throw myself underneath those sheets and close my eyes like a child playing hide and seek. If she can't see me, she can't throw me away. Like the trash overflowing the corner of the workspace in her apartment. The stained wooden floors taken over by discarded papers, water bottles, and broken hearts. I entered her world like a good idea that she later realized was a drunken mistake. Fill the glass to the top and she'd still argue it was only half full. Silly man, that's not optimism.

We wished on stars and eyelashes. Now every time an eyelash falls, I push it to the floor because it makes me feel dangerous. I feel like she'd cry if she witnessed it. Which would make me smile because then I'd know that those nights meant something to us both. Shoot down the stars with my nerf gun, hoping they explode before they enter her atmosphere. Standing on top of that mountain was supposed to make me feel immeasurable. Yet aiming my gun at her dreams made me feel about as big as an ant beneath a giant boot.

Her bare skin left an imprint in my brain. Like plastic forks against a foam container. Running her hands up my legs made my throat clench and my eyes open wide. Feeling her breath next to my ear made the hairs on my neck stand at attention.

Let me buy your love with nickels and dimes and you can use the flower petals as my receipts. Laying naked on the floor we rolled onto, smoking the cigarettes you swear you aren't addicted to. Yet there is the lighter; barely any fluid left and marks against the sides from the walls you introduced your anger to every time you lit up.

You talked of your open sexuality and compassionate beliefs like it was supposed to make me feel like your boyfriend shouldn't care about what we shared in every room of your apartment. Exchanging bodily fluids in the most animalistic ways. Grasping each other like if we dug our nails deep enough, we'd never have to part. Maybe that just made it easier to say goodbye for you. Made it alright.

Will he notice the love notes I wrote in the steam of the bathroom? You'll probably tear them down and go buy whole new mirrors.

we are the product.

She stomped on it. Made you think it didn't matter. Made you think you didn't deserve better. You resented her for it just as much as I did but we kept our silence. That's what we were told to do. Observe but keep your fucking mouth closed. Duct taped and strapped to the morals. Forget your own, adopt the other. 

I took scissors and a razor to my head that night. Wanted to strip myself completely. Feeling the crisp clip as the strands float to the floor, I began to feel lighter. Putting the cool edge of the razor to my head, I finally found the significance of what it means to be singled out. Allowing that extra inch of difference, of desire. 

The way she splays herself in front of me makes me realize why I let myself fall into her. Our lips touching reminds me how to breathe and in that moment I'm suspended. She was the dragon, ripped clean, raw and natural. But in that room her layers dispersed to the corners of my mind and here she was in all her glory. Brilliant lights occupying her eyes as she gazed, shooting right through me, making me shiver. 

Hold it together, I kept telling myself. Don't shake or you'll make a fool of yourself. I'm a leaf, hanging from her limbs. Reliant and tossed aside when I get too old. That doesn't bother me though. I will sit here, absorbed in her grasp for as long as I can muster the courage for. She giggles because she knows come fall, I'll be fighting for my place among the rest.

They still scream, they still beat at her door. But we can't hear them anymore. I like it like that. Hidden in the confines of sheets and sweat and laughter. Just me and my dragon girl.

i am me

Maybe it takes me a little longer to learn a lesson. My reflexes are slow but I' try. I go through this process; make mistakes that I don't even understand, and then keep doing it subconsciously until I figure out what made me do it.

For as long as I can remember, my mistakes have been something of a battle to figure out and learn to control in the future. I'm not giving up the rubix cube of my idiocy. I will not give up on myself because I know I can do better. I know who I can be.

When you gave up, I took the reigns. When you stopped loving me, I started loving myself again. The people who see your mistakes and label you under them are the people who don't really know the truth of who you are.

"If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best."

I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm human and don't you dare underestimate me because once I'm done being an unintentional asshole, I'll be the best person you didn't really know.