functional dysfunctionality.

There's no more appropriate title for this post.

I just took probably 15 minutes and way too much over thinking trying to figure out how to write this. I don't want to go into detail. It's a little embarrassing. I haven't written in a while about what's been going on in my life. I need to ventilate it and maybe no one will read this because I'm not going to post it on Facebook and I don't know if anyone actually follows my blog anyway. Just needed a place for release and some mindless babbling and ranting in between.

So these past months of me being back in PA have definitely been anything but boring. A lot of changes are happening and I feel like I'm finally getting the hang of what I want in life and going for it head on. I also feel like there are probably multiple blog posts on here alone that sound similar to this one; I'm always talking about revelations and changing myself. It almost feels like bullshit.

I was so excited and sure and ready when I got accepted to the Art Institute in Nashville. I thought, "Man, this is it. This is my school." I was the one who watched as endless people just left and I always said that would never be me; I was going to graduate from there. I wore my shirt proudly. "Become an Art Institute graduate…or compete with one." Now it makes me sick when I want to wear it.

But things happen. Plans change, directions change, and sometimes people leave you hanging. So I'm not depending on anyone anymore. I'm doing this for myself; not for him. A state school is just as good and 10 times cheaper. Something I can afford on my own. Which he's still telling me I won't be able to; that I have no idea what I'm in for, that I have no clue and that one day I'll see that he was right.

yeah …

I have 2 schools picked out … meaning I have 4 and 2 that I realllllly want to go to. Bloomsburg, Cal U, Mansfield, and Temple; in order of desire. Not hating on Temple. Good school. I just don't know if I really want to live in Philly again and I'm not commuting. Ok, so I really don't want to go to Temple but it's nice to have a third back up. Hopefully I won't need 3 back up plans but we'll see. I have an awesome letter of recommendation from Leslie Haines  who is the chair of graphic design at AI and I had really good grades when I was there. High school … eh … I got ok grades.

I sent out the applications this past Tuesday, my transcripts and letter of recommendation on Wednesday and now the waiting begins. I may go nuts. I hate waiting. Ok, not waiting in general, but waiting for something really important to happen. It's a tough thing. In the meantime I'm going to continue to work at Ovi and save money to move and take care of the things that I need to take care of.

Right now I'm just living it day by day. Some are harder than others but most are pretty good. I'm trying to keep a smile on my face and continue moving forward.



I miss you.

going the distance and wiping the board.

"Come to the tree on the dirt road and we'll meet in the treetops," you used to say to me. "I'll be counting the leaves and branches while I wait." I guess you ran out of limbs. And all the leaves have fallen off. Walking towards the giant escape, I can clearly see you're not up there anymore but I continue walking. Maybe you'll be hiding behind the trunk, getting ready to jump out and yell "SURPRISE!" So I keep walking.

The dirt has turned to sand and my feet sink with each step; toes disappearing beneath me. I should have worn shoes. But you said bare feet were the only way to travel; it shows the real journey, every step of it. Roughness building up around my heels. I begin a light jog as I get closer. The tree grows bigger and my jog turns to a sprint. I'm running before I know it. The lady at the front desk of my middle school used to say I should have been on the track team. Will you stand at the finish line? Give me something to run to.

I reach the tree and survey the top. No sight of you. The leaves crunch beneath my feet. Proof I was there, you would say. I walk around the trunk. Again and again. But you're nowhere to be found. I guess you gave up waiting for me. Not that I blame you. Many seasons passed with no change but the leaves for indication. Call me a late bloomer. One leaf is still holding fast to a limb at the very top. So I begin to climb. It's my only hope. If I can retrieve it, maybe you'll know that I traveled the distance and sands of mistakes to return it to you.

I can hear your voice in the bark. Your mark left in the creases of each limb, each branch, each crevice. It gives me strength. My arms are weak and my legs are beginning to tire but I have to climb. The thought of you drifts in and out; like a strengthening memory, stronger and more visible each time.

I reach the leaf but it crumbles at my touch. Falls in tiny pieces to the ground. Too late, again.

A cry comes from overhead. I look up to see a brilliant hawk. As big as an airplane to my untrained eye. I watch as she sweeps to and fro. Higher and then shooting down like she's testing me. Begging me to get the courage. Swopping closer each time. I gauge her distance and wait for the right moment.

JUMP!

Clinging to her, my arms draped around her neck, body laying parallel to her back. Hold on tight. This was somehow easier than trying to climb the tree. Maybe because I don't know where she's taking me, where she will land. I'm putting all of the trust I have in her to carry me to where I'm meant to be.

We must have traveled for months. Drifting in and out of consciousness. In and out of sleep. You still linger in the questions I have. She begs me to hold on, not let go, keep the journey going. I would cling for a lifetime and pray for a clean slate.

 

 

"I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have it all; my money, my time, my body, my talk, my dogs money. I will assume your debts and reject upon you all sorts of nifty qualities you never actually cultivated in yourself. I will give you all this and more until I am so exhausted and depleted. The only way I can recover is by becoming infatuated with someone else."

- Elizabeth Gilbert

moving forward.

A lot has happened since I last blogged and I think I'm finally at a good point to get it all out there. After a very successful year at the Art Institute of Nashville I spend some time in Lawrenceburg, TN working at a state fair with an independent concession stand thanks to a good friend of mine. The money I earned there was the stepping stone of being able to take my travel to Arlington, VA where I planned on starting the new quarter at the Art Institute there. I spent a couple weeks getting to know the area and getting out applications for work and then took a trip again in October to Columbia, SC where I worked again with the same independent concession stand. The people I met both in Lawrenceburg and in Columbia will forever be in my heart. They are like family to each other and it didn't take long before I was welcomed into their circle. 

I met so many amazing people when I was in Tennessee and I will never forget any of them. We entertained ourselves with weekly kickball, cliff jumping and camping at the dam, tattoo parties, adopting animals (usually my fault … woops), partying like there was no tomorrow, midnight swimming, and enjoying every minute of it.

Being in Lawrenceburg especially made me reevaluate my life and what I want for my future. Family is such an instilled value of their lives along with hard work and a certain toughness that I hadn't experienced before. 

I was in Virginia until November 8th and ended up having to move back in with my mom and step dad and the girls. I was sitting in the room with everyone, making the last arrangements for my transfer when dad said it was too much and he was done helping with my loan. I tried negotiating a few different ideas with him but, in the end, it was time to just let it go. So I got a job in Morgantown and have been working on getting out of debt since I've been back. Hopefully everything will be completed in a couple months and I can revisit my journey in education. 

At first I wanted to look into schools that were close to home so that I could visit my family and friends whenever I wanted to. But after being back, I've come to realize with a heavy heart that there really isn't anything back here for me. I need to accept it and move on. I have a few really good friends who I know I can count on and who I want to be friends with for the rest of my life but most of the people I decided to surround myself with when I was in high school either were just the wrong people or have grown into people who I don't like or very much care for anymore. So much hate and vengeance and maliciousness that I don't want in my life if I'm going to continue moving forward. 

I'm starting over in a lot of different ways. Another way is that Julia and I broke up. My stomach feels sick when I think about it from time to time but it was the right thing to do. I've come to accept that we're not going to have what we used to have and she wasn't willing to work through what we still had so it was a lost cause. It was definitely time to say our goodbyes. 

So I've decided Canada, people. It's time for me to stop living for other people and finally live for myself. I'm going to take care of school on my own and start my life out in the world yet again. This is a start that I'm not used to though. One where I will have everything taken care of. One where I'm not leaving a mess in tow. One where I can truly refresh my mind and body and life in general. Cost of school in Canada is surprisingly less than it is in the states. What you pay for one year here, you easily pay for 3 years there. And, aren't I always saying travel is the best way to keep your mind fresh and vigor? 

the rebel side I get from my dad

The things that you know about yourself are easy to admit. Well, the ones that don't make you look bad at least. It seems so hard to just admit your faults. Like it makes you less of a person. But in reality it makes you a better person to know your faults and be able to admit them. But you still think about the ridicule. Why are we so afraid of what people think?

I see things in the world around me and in people that others may miss. This can be a blessing and a curse. I rely on my inner thoughts and feelings in dealing with the world around me. I've always looked more towards my own ideas and experiences than what I was told by my religious upbringing or from scientific evidence. I'm not bound by common, but love to travel and have new experiences. I enjoy intelligence, but also enjoy a challenge. I can be pretty argumentative when I'm being forced or feel as if I am being forced to conform. The rebel side I get from my dad.

I'm energetic, lively, and optimistic. I want to contribute to the world. The best way to get along with me is to give me companionship, affection, and freedom. Good conversation with a hint of sarcasm from time to time. Get just as grossly happy over my visions as I do and listen to my stories. Don't try to change me; I'm way too stubborn for that. Accept me the way I am. Be responsible for yourself; I don't like clingy or needy. Above all, don't tell me what to do.

I love being optimistic and not letting life's troubles get me down. The crazy spontaneity that life has to offer makes me think that anything is possible. I even indulge in the fact that I'm outspoken and outrageous. It's all part of the fun. I also love having the guts to take risks and to try exciting adventures. Whether it be a good or bad experience, it's a lesson nonetheless. 

But I don't have enough time to do all the things I want. I often don't finish things I start. I don't profit from the benefits that come from specializing; it's hard for me to make a commitment to a career. I have a tendency to be ungrounded and can get lost in plans or fantasies. 

And for the grand finale, as a parent I will probably have a mix of traits. Want my kids to be exposed to many adventures in life but I may be too busy with my own activities to be attentive.

Looking back on that, I just described both of my parents. I'm ok with that because it just means that I can do things right that weren't done right in the past. I can make myself better than them. I can also do everything they did right. And my kids will one day be doing the same thing. I hope they succeed. I hope I succeed. I know that everyone has to have flaws to make them human but even if I could just minimize some of them. Defeat a good majority. I think my kids will turn out alright.

ain't nothing in this world for free.

There are times were you're at the end of the day, sitting in a bath that took you an hour to just get set up, thinking about how you want to be reflective and write all these meaningful things about life but all you can think about is how you're a bad girlfriend and wondering how on earth the bath water is cold already. Probably because it wasn't warm to begin with and the fact that it's slowly draining doesn't help much. All you wanted was to relieve your cramps, reflect, listen to music, and maybe write a little bit. And now you're stuck. Despite all the things running through your mind, you know you can't say any of them.

How am I supposed to know if this is the right path? More water in the bath. Still cold. Just like your dad. Too big of a heart and a temper like a hurricane. Like your mom. Don't want a real job and so into the perfect family that you could be a 40's housewife. Nothing wrong with either of them. They're happy in life and make it work, one way or another.

An hour an a half later. Freezing, blank, and not tired in the least.

just a word.

Letters. Words filling the pages. Rummaging through the past, reliving all the mistakes. Seeing all the things that I have changed. How far I've come from then. I'm learning. Slowly but surely. If I could find the courage, I'd probably say ...

I'm sorry you were a rebound.
I'm sorry I ended up falling for you and then missing her.
I'm sorry you embarrassed me.
I'm sorry you didn't give a shit.
I'm sorry I thought what happened to you was a good thing.
I'm sorry we lived so far away.
I'm sorry I responded to your texts when you had a girlfriend.
I'm sorry you fell before I did.
I'm sorry for talking about her.
I'm sorry you were too skinny for me.
I'm sorry I couldn't get it out of my mind what you did to me.
I'm sorry I got scared.
I'm sorry I was with her when I was dating you.
I'm sorry there were secrets.
I'm sorry I lied.
I'm sorry I still think about you.
I'm sorry things got to that point.
I'm sorry you had to witness that fight.
I'm sorry I didn't help more.
I'm sorry I used you to make her jealous.
I'm sorry you couldn't even hold my hand in public.
I'm sorry you were psycho.

But mostly ...
I'm sorry I broke your heart.
I'm glad you're happy now.
I'm glad we both moved on.

do you remember?

Time changes a person. Actions, interactions, and experiences are all on the path we are traveling down. I'm alone right now. A few people might try to tell you different. I stopped trying to correct. Listen and you might hear your name. A friend once told me that sound travels when you pay enough attention. It's true.

Your eyes witness a tear but I'm only trying to save you. My bottle holds a simple message. A friendly warning. Chase my heart down a dark hallway and you will lose yourself. Protect your own for now. Stop trying to figure me out. I'm working on that myself now. I don't need you to define me; even if you do need it. I won't ever need you or anyone to define myself. If you're still convinced, you might need to reevaluate yourself. Look over your life notes. Have you done this in the past? You seem accustomed.

I'm numb to my own pain. And yours. This isn't like me. I don't seem to really give two shits about her either. When did this mask take its place around my face? Your wounds will never be as deep as mine. I'm the one conflicted. I'm the one who will be sure to suffer.

Karma is a regretful bitch and I just stole her last cookie.