my protection.

I'm not naive, I'm not a child and I'm not oblivious to facts. Everyone dies. It's a part of life. But who made the rule that the young people with a life ahead of them could leave as easily and abruptly? Don't tell me that life isn't fair; you don't need to be a genius to realize that. But this really isn't fair. Beyond the usual unfairness of life.

Amanda Keiffer was one of my best friends. We were going on five years of friendship, shared two apartments and countless memories. This past Friday evening I got a text message asking what happened to her like there was something I should have known. I called another friend to find out what was going on and found out the girl who I had called my "buddy" since 10th grade had passed away that morning. In one instant, my life was halted. I couldn't breathe and couldn't stop crying. I was sitting out on my great grandmothers porch with Julia when I found out. I had been there for a going away dinner that was being held for me since I was leaving the following day for Nashville, TN. Moments after I got off the phone, my mom came walking around the back of the house and I ran into her arms. I was so glad that she had showed up when she did. I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest and I desperately needed her to just hold me. She hugged me tight for the first time in such a long time and I felt my pain entering her, like she was sharing it with me, understanding me.

We had so many memories. She was the one friend who was allowed to call me "buddy". She always told me she loved me before hanging up the phone. She got me addicted to Petville on facebook (yeah, I'll admit it). She really listened to me when I needed her. She was like my twin. We had so much in common in ways that I hadn't found in anyone else.

I saw your body today. I knew you weren't there anymore. Your mind and heart and spirit were gone. Your pale face ripped at my heart. It didn't look like you. There was a moment where I could have sworn I saw you breathing. I didn't tell anyone that. I felt crazy, hopeful. They can be the same thing sometimes. I remember reaching out to touch your chest and felt it under my palm; stiff and still just like I had imagined it would be. Tears poured through and grazed over the edges of my eyes so easily. I felt my chest weighing heavy, I could barely breathe. I wanted to hold your hand and feel you squeeze back, feel your presence one more time, hear your voice. Anything.

I called your phone in hopes of hearing you but I got nothing. Did you get my text message? I sent it while I was sitting behind the herse on the way to the church. There were pictures of us. Did you see them? Do you remember when they were taken? Do you remember sharing the memories? Do you see me now? Bent and bleeding, begging for this all to be some horrific nightmare. Pinch me. Wake me up. And then hug me tight and tell me that you're ok. Tell me you'll grow old with me. Tell me we'll both get married. Tell me there will be a day when our kids will play together. Tell me that you'll be living out a full life, a long life. Tell me this is all a dream.

 I made a playlist of your favorite songs to put on my iPod. So maybe when I'm really missing you and wishing we could sing them together, I can put them on to soothe me. Or if I need a good cry. Or a better memory. You always said I knew your taste in music. You, sappy music enthusiast. Remember "If It Means a Lot to You" or "Your Guardian Angel"? Be my angel, Amanda? Stay with me. Hold me in my sleep when dreams of our past haunt me, pat me on the back and encourage me when I'm about to take a really hard test, hold my hand as I walk onto the stage when I graduate? Yell from the audience when my name gets called like I know you'd do if you could be there in person.

I was in Levittown the day before you passed. I tried getting a hold of you so I could see you and found out you moved out of that damn area. Moved out of the bad and into a better, more stable situation. I remember telling Julia that I was glad, I was hoping you could have an easier time getting clean. I thought, like me, you were getting out finally. I thought you were starting your life. I wanted you to be safe. I wanted you to survive. I wanted you to be ok. Now you're gone and there's nothing I can do to change that. I scream to the heavens, to the sky, to wherever you are. Can you hear my cries? Can you hear me down here pleading for this to change? To bring you back. For me, for your family, for Melissa, for your friends, for all the people who loved you.

You would have wanted it to be different. You wanted a life. You wanted to get better. We talked about it all the time. You told me how we were going to be best friends until the end.

At least I can rest knowing I was yours until your end. 

 

 

Who am I kidding? Ever heard of the stages of grief? Well there should be a stage called the "Selfish Stage" because all I can think about now is how much I want you back here. All I can think about is how much I miss you and how unfair this all is.

You will always live in my heart and mind. All the way up until my last breath. Sometimes it takes a great person to pass for others to realize that what they're doing isn't right. Maybe your death was a message to everyone who loves and cares for you. Maybe you're trying to tell us to get our act together, to get out in your honor, to clean up in your honor. I am doing this for myself but you are my strength. Whenever I think that I can't go on or keep up with my life, I'm going to remember you and remember how you wouldn't want me to give up. I promise to kick myself in the ass and work my hardest for the next three years to get to that stage if you promise to walk it with me. Every step of the way. Every passing moment I better feel you by my side. I understand other people need you too but there has to be a way to be in more than one place at a time. You gave me the strength and the courage to keep going.

I remember the last time I talked to you. It was the night that I had everything happen at my dad's. You were trying to find me a place to go. I remember you telling me it was going to be ok and that you loved me. I will never forget you. You were my rock through the good and the bad. You were always there for me. No matter what.

I love you too, Amanda Marie Keiffer.
I love you too.