celebration.

Notice: This post isn't for any one person. This is a celebration post for every person who has ever felt the lust that starts with love, gave someone everything you had, and just got let down. This is a celebration to heartbreak and knowing what it feels to have your heart ripped out. If you can relate to that, then throw your hands in the air. Reach them as high as you can. Like your life depends on how close you can get to touching the sky. And thank yourself for allowing those emotions to take you over, for allowing yourself to get hurt, for allowing yourself to fly. You will never know the worth of true love until you've been broken, battered, and have lost a part of yourself with someone else. Without the bad, you'd never realize the good. Without war, you'd never recognize peace. Without heartbreak, you'd never know what real love meant. So, here's to you, all of the brokenhearted of the world. Here's to you, the strong human beings who lived through that kind of emotion. Because without true heartbreak, you'd never be able to fully appreciate the love that you are given. 

We touch, I feel a rush. We clutch, it isn't much. But it's enough to make me wonder what's in store for us. It's lust, it's torturous, you must be a sorceress. Because you just did the impossible; gained my trust. Don't play games. It'll be dangerous if you fuck me over. Because if I get burnt, I'm going to show you what it's like to hurt. Because I've been treated like dirt before and love is evil. Spell it backwards; I'll show you.

 
Nobody knows me. I'm cold, walk down this road all alone. It's no one's fault but my own, it's the path I've chosen to go. Frozen as snow, I show no emotion what'soever, so don't ask me why I have no love for these mufuckin' hoes. Blood-suckin' succubuses, what the fuck is up with this? I've tried in this department, but, I ain't had no luck with this. It sucks but it's exactly what I thought it would be like tryin' to start over. I've got a hole in my heart from some kind of emotional roller-coaster. Something. I won't go on till you toy with my emotions, so it's over. It's like an explosion every time I hold you, wasn't joking when I told you. You take my breath away, you're a supernova.

And I'm a ...
I'm a space-bound rocketship and your heart's the moon
And I'm aimin' right at you
Right at you
250, 000 miles on a clear night in June
And I'm aimin' right at you
Right at you
Right at you

I'll do whatever it takes. When I'm with you, I get the shakes. My body aches when I ain't with you, I have zero strength. There's no limit on how far I would go, no boundaries, no lengths. Why do we say that until we get that person that we think is gonna be that one and then once we get them, it's never the same. You want them when they don't want you, soon as they do, feelings change. It's not a contest and I ain't on no conquest for no mate. I wasn't looking when I stumbled onto you, must have been fate. But so much is at stake, what the fuck does it take, let's cut to the chase. Before the door shuts in your face, promise me if I cave in and break and leave myself open that I won't be making a mistake

 

 Because I'm a ...

I'm a space-bound rocketship and your heart's the moon
And I'm aimin' right at you
Right at you
250, 000 miles on a clear night in June
And I'm aimin' right at you
Right at you
Right at you

So after a year and 6 months, it's no longer me that you want. But I love you so much it hurts, never mistreated you once. I'll pour my heart out to you, let down my guard. I swear to God I'll blow my brains in your lap, lay here and die in your arms. Drop to my knees and I'm bleeding, I'm trying to stop you from leaving. You won't even listen, so fuck it, I'm trying to stop you from breathing. I put both hands on your throat, I sit on top of you, squeezing until I snap your neck like a popsicle stick. Ain't a possible reason I can think of to let you walk up out this house and let you live. Tears stream down both of my cheeks, now that you're going just get. And before I put that gun to my temple, I told you this ...

And I woulda did anything for you. To show you how much I adored you. But it's over now, it's too late to save our love. Just promise me you'll think of me every time you look up in the sky and see a star.

Because I'm a ...
I'm a space-bound rocketship and your heart's the moon
And I'm aimin' right at you
Right at you
250, 000 miles and a clear night in June
And I'm so lost without you
Without you
Without you

Ps, I also do NOT condone violence but it's part of the lyrics. Ladies and gents, please no choking the person who broke your heart. It's just a bad idea.

name of the game.

Sneak your glances and try to steal your kisses but I know what this is. I've played this game before. The first time it has dared to face me. Don't you know who I am? Don't you know that I've already one-upped you because I know these rules. I know how this works. Well, how it's supposed to work. You've been failing. Move your horse two up and one to the right and you think you have checkmate but, young player, you don't see my queen waiting. Try the oldest tricks in the book and my castle will sideswipe your pawn. I know what you're here for. The object of a game is to win and you're not after my heart. Slide your hand down further, creep the line of my jeans, graze your hand under and I'll walk in the other direction. I wish you played the game fairly ... for your sake.

My heart lays in the palms of another and you can fight or

you can just accept facts.

I have lived my life in the name of the game. I know the rules, I know tricks beyond tricks, and I've tossed the dice more than you can count on both of those tiny hands. I have ripped hearts, bruised egos and played my part well. Too well. For too long.

What about commitment? What about family? What about finding that star in the sky again? Whatever happened to the person I was? And how are these ambitions just now hitting me, sideblinding me? As each day goes by, their effect over my subconcious strengthens. I see it happen daily. So many play this game. So many hearts broken. So many games lost. I look around and scream inside ...

"Don't you understand?

Don't you see what is going to happen?

Good luck because

you're both losing."

But no one listens. I don't blame them. I wouldn't have listened either. So what has changed? What makes me any better than I was a year ago?

Six months ago?

One month ago?

Yesterday?

The choices I make every single day. It's one step. One building block. One at a time. Take your time. Don't trip. It's a long way to fall.

Grab her and hold her tight. Don't let anything mess this up. Build your castle. Show her you can. One bucket of sand at a time. Put it in the molder and place a flag at the very top. Dig a moat around the perimeter to keep her safe. When the dark clouds invade, set off fireworks to light the sky for her. When the dragon approaches, remember to use heavy armor and a sword is also a good idea. Stare him in the face and prove that you're better than you were ...
 

a year ago.

Six months ago.

One month ago.

Yesterday.

Waking to her face in the morning will give you the strength to move forward. The light in her eyes will give you the confidence you need to start again. The smile across her face will give you the strength to get up and face every day with love in your heart.

Never underestimate the power of love.

It makes boys into men.

It gives us courage to fight,

emotion to experience,

and stars to admire.

So stay a while and admire with me? We've created so many stars. We've lit the sky thousands of times. We can win this game if we play the right way.

Pawn up ...

bishop over ...

checkmate.

 

no cries.

My heart beats beneath the rock you wedged it into. Yes, it still beats and as much as it pains me to admit, it will now and forever beat for you. For your smile, for your laughter, for our inside jokes. You can’t touch me and not feel the rapid movement deep inside my chest. Tell me you don’t see the way I look at you. Tell me she calls your name better than I ever did. Feed me lies and I’ll eat them like they’re real. Wince when I touch you and I’ll shrink away, beat my emotions to the concrete floor and I’ll gasp my last breath just to tell you those three unforgettable words. Then tell me how you’ll turn around and forget them, letter by letter.

My eyes will always gaze up to reach for a glimpse of anything that you used to be, trying so desperately to reach for a simple smile, a single hint that you’re still standing next to me. All I see are frowns, clown acts, and someone who is trying too hard. Don’t try so hard and the ghosts that whisper sweet nothings in my ear at night might actually take to your advice. I’m tired of waking up and hearing their whispers turn to stern voices. Their stern voices urge at me but I won’t move, I refuse to even graze a finger past your invisible bubble. What if I get bit? What if the venom seeps too deep this time and I don’t make it out alive? The voices are screaming now, pleading with me to take the black veil off of your words and see what you’re really trying to say.

Love was an endangered species to me years ago and now I’m trying to save it? How do I save something that is so close to being gone for good? I grab hold of the rope but it just keeps slipping from my fingers. Rivers are overflowing with the loss of my heartbeat but the rapids will tempt me to let it go. I can’t let go. No matter how hard they push or how long they fight against my small body. My feet continue digging into the sand, trying desperately to find a way to keep my heart in place, to give it another chance. But I can’t fight this current on my own. Where’s the life vest you promised me so long ago? 

Now is when the tears start to come. Like clockwork. They come so easily. My feet are no longer able to stay in place, to keep a good hold on the bottom of this endless river of fate. But no matter how hard the rapids slap at my face, trying to get me to just give in and let go of everything I’ve spent years fighting for, I won’t give in. I won’t give up. My feet are at last swept out from underneath me after hours, days, weeks, even months of fighting for this. My stomach drops as I realize that there’s nothing more I can do. I flow with the rapids, side swiping rocks and with each throbbing gash I’m reminded of everything that I’m losing, everything I couldn’t hold onto.

Your arms wrapped around my waist, your gentle hands grazing the back of my neck, the laughter we shared in the grass, throw it high and tickle me until I can’t breathe. Surprise the candles and sweet words in the dark when I find it’s too hard to smile on my own. Take the center out of your lunch to make a heart and wrap it in the love I feel whenever my phone blinks red with your words. Reach for my body as it sinks to the floor and pull me back into the life I was never shown before. My fingers graze those words as I open my lungs and breathe in every feeling known to mankind. Your heartbeat used to beat the same tune as mine. But men with badges and wings know it’s time for me to let go and allow the water to push me off at the end of its journey. The water disappears from my sight off in the distance and I plead as I grow closer and closer to the edge. I’m not ready to use that thin slip of paper yet. Tears well in your eyes and my heart continues to break. I still have the rope wrapped around my waist but I doubt it’s connected to shore anymore. Maybe it snapped at the knot, maybe it ripped on a rock. Either way, I’m rapidly approaching a destiny that is no longer left to fate. Now it’s up to me to save my own heart and yours at the same time. I can’t ask you to fight for the same but there’s a part of me that hopes you will. Alright, I’ll admit it to you but you have to lean in close. There’s not a part of me that hopes you will drag me to shore before I reach that edge, every inch of my body is aching for you to.

I’m inches from the edge and my stomach is suddenly in my throat. I see in a mere second every moment we ever spent together, every moment you held me close, every tear and laugh we shared, every secret, every single memory. It floods my mind like the rapids that are tearing me towards the drop.

A hand catches my heart in the last split second of waves and rapids and I’m yanked from the spiral of rocks and struggle and desperation. My body lays limp from the loss of your touch after so long that when you finally reach out and your index finger grazes my spine, I let out a sigh and I’m revived. One finger, that’s all it took. One more moment in your arms envelopes all of the doubt and ships it out to space. Out into the endless abyss. I’ve never been so sure about anything in my entire life and the fight is always worth the outcome. Just when I think that nothing will ever be the same, just when I think that I don’t know how much longer I can fight the angry current, you come back into view. You take me to another world with a glance of your eyes, a flash of your smile, and a moment of your kiss.

I will never stop fighting this river. No matter how battered I am at the end of the journey. No matter how worn my feet and legs are from wrestling against the splash of this distance. No matter how long I have to make my breaths count. Because I know that you’ll be there at the end to fight. Right there. Right beside me. Surprising me every single time that you haven’t wavered an inch. Time will represent our life together. Even when that time isn’t shared with each other. Even when that time can’t be shared with each other. A timeline of the perfect heartbreak and the perfect romance.

Let the ocean do what it wants because this tide isn’t giving up anytime soon.

fly and fall or never fly again.

Stand on the edge and grab hold of something sturdy because, I can tell you something that’s real; you’re going to fall.

 

Five, four …

 hold on tighter …

three, two …

don’t let go …

 drop! 

You never even look for a rock close by so there you go. Feeling like flying … falling? You’re suspended in time yet you know you’re dropping to whatever there is below. How is something like this possible? Try desperately to stay there. Feeling the wind combing your hair and the butterflies in your stomach a constant reminder that you’re not standing in place anymore. Just hold me tight until the time comes.

Please.
Don’t.
Let.

Go!

 

My landing strip isn’t sturdy when it rains but I can’t stop the tears. I’m trying to keep balance but the only steadiness I find is in her arms. It’s so easy to just look at her and forget the broken glass, the shattered remains.

But one way or another, you’re there,

laying on the ground.

 

And where did she go? How did this happen? Swear to yourself you never saw her leave your side but you know you’re lying. You saw all the signs, all the neon lights. Why the hell didn’t you hold on tighter? Why didn’t you at least try?

But you’ll pick yourself back up. Stand there for a while and you’ll be warned once again. Fly or fall? Grab hold or just embrace the inevitable? You will fall again. I can promise you that. But every time it’s different. You will never be warned the same way twice. You will never fall for the same amount of time or crash in the same way twice. And that, my dear, is exactly why no matter how you’re warned or how badly you’ve been hurt in the past, you won’t even look for that damn rope.

Maybe it’s out of curiosity.

Maybe it’s out of love that you have for it all.

Maybe you’re just plain insane.

 

But would you rather fall the distance and fly for a moment or never fly again?

Flaws in Science.

Happiness started with a tear this time. What happened to stretching the lips and crushing the cheeks? Smiles are short of a heartbeat away. Lay me down in toyland, my body is plastic, wind me up and I probably won’t work. But open my chest. Go ahead, take a look. There’s a little bow right there. Pull the string and open the door. My heart still beats. Broken and battered.

I’m just a toy with a human organ.
The most vital.
The most breakable.

My eyes wander and the heat of the day envelopes me. Every day there is something new. This toy just wants to break.

Pick me up!
Play with me!

Until you get bored or I stop working the way you want me to. Then I’m back to where I started. In another bin, at another sale, waiting for another sap to cover me in pity. It never lasts long. I’ll fall off a table and lose an arm or a family pet will turn me into a chew toy. I stopped talking years ago. My first owner broke that.

I close my eyes and wait. Time goes by, seasons change, but my plastic body stays the same. The only thing that moves within me anymore is that heartbeat. You can sometimes hear it through my cover.

Lost another home. Back in a different box. Had to leave Buzz and Woody behind this time. They stopped looking for me and gave up. I think it was those damn squeaky alien toys that talked them into my supposed death. They never did like me. So I lay here, motionless, waiting for another owner. I’m fighting for a new home but there are so many elements that could ruin this for me. My head doesn’t move anymore, my legs got glued in place, and some little girl shaved my head when she was going through her hair dresser stage.

Who wants a bald toy?
A broken toy?

There’s a 50 cent sticker on my back. After a few days, that’s replaced with a 25 cent one. Days go on and I’m up for sale. Now I’m up for grabs. They just want to get rid of this old toy. This old junk. A little girl picks me up, turns me over, takes a good look at me, even plays with me a little and teases me. But I know that frown her mother gives her. I know it all too well. She shakes her head and the girl cries a little bit. Pleas for my life. But mother overrules my beating heart and I get tossed back in the box. It only takes the girl moments to find a replacement. She seems happy. The other toy looks down at me and grins, it knows it won’t get the disapproving frown. It still works. I don’t. The odds are easy to see and the toy goes to a new home.

Soon even the 10 cent sticker gets taken off and I meet a black bag. My oversized body bag. My coffin that I’m forced to share with old banana peels and crumpled papers. Lifted into the truck and carted away.

Even toyland doesn’t want me anymore.